JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Rockville mayor “Rowdy” Randy Holmes was removed from his elected position this morning after being deemed unfit to lead in even the simplest of capacities, city officials confirmed.

“Despite his swearing in just months ago, Mayor Holmes has already proven himself an incompetent leader in the most basic sense of the term,” said Rockville city council member Shania Cruz. “From the constant and disruptive ‘shredding’ on his pointy guitar during town hall meetings, to his inability to stop himself from yelling, ‘Fuck yeah!’ at any given opportunity, we determined it best to part ways sooner than later.”

Tensions came to a head late last week following a leak that Holmes would be replaced by “that guy from the ‘Learn Guitar Now’ flyers you see on those bulletin boards at the coffee shop,” thanks to a sewage-related oversight during preparations for the Welcome to Rockville music festival.

“Man, this is some fuckin’ bullshit,” Holmes yelled over the sound of a blender preparing a batch of his trademark “Jägereritas” for the second time today. “OK, sure — maybe that whole port-o-potty thing introduced some new predatory fish or whatever into the waterways down here. But, goddamn… like you never made a mistake!

“Plus, that [“Learn Guitar Now”] guy?” he added. “Cool. I bet Ozzy will be real psyched to get a key to the city from some dipshit in a cardigan with a Beach Boys haircut. Fucking assholes.”

Despite the former mayor’s failures, locals and visitors alike looked back on Holmes’ time in office fondly.

“Wait… the shirtless guy, who rides that lawnmower around with the ‘ass, grass or gas’ sticker on the side was the mayor?” said Rockville local Tricia Norwood. “My ex insisted that was Sammy Hagar, but, honestly, I always thought that dude was someone’s townie uncle who just got his license revoked or something. Jesus. No wonder the roads are so fucked up.”

At press time, the disgraced mayor was seen attempting to hitchhike along a nearby highway, holding a homemade sign reading, “Paradise City or bust, mothafuckas!”

The post Mayor of Rockville, U.S.A. Deemed Unfit to Lead in Simplest Capacity appeared first on The Hard Times.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mercury is finally out of the dickhead zone for you, so enjoy the reprieve. Use the time to subject everyone to your pop-punk cover of Good Kid, M.A.A.D City, and go ahead and recite stand-up routines as original thoughts while you’re at it — most people have learned to just tune you out by now anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You may be feeling a little unusual lately, Taurus. The new moon earlier this week has you susceptible to anything off, so make sure to not eat whatever random shit you keep finding in the tour van for the next few days.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You may want to keep your thoughts to your fucking self this week for once, Gemini. You kept your mouth shut when your roommate tried to bring back bucket hats and JNCO jeans, so we know you can do it. Maybe now isn’t the best time to stage an intervention about their crust punk phase — it’s THEIR journey, not yours. So stop acting like a Capricorn, and just be cool.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Astrological readings can sometimes be vague and hard to interpret, but this week, the cosmos are singing loud and clear… and they are definitely calling you a poser.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Despite having kept your cool lately, you’ll find it extra hard to control your temper this week, Leo… so just make sure not to lash out at the wrong person. You don’t want to get left behind in Rhode Island for a third time, do you?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Just let it go, Virgo. Stop holding onto the past. Those Vans with the hole in the bottom? That you keep in the back of the closet? Waiting for “the exact right amount” to finally retire them? They’ve got to go. Throw them out, Virgo. You’re gross. It’s time.

Libra (September 23- October 22)
You’ve been quiet all year, and it’s time to put your wisdom into action, Libra. You’re too intelligent and articulate to NOT share your views online. It’s been a while since you’ve talked to your estranged cousin from Missouri, anyway — take the lead and start another gun control debate on his Facebook wall. Get the ball rolling. A dialogue will bring you closer together.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
A deep, water sign, you represent the mysterious, hard-shelled scorpion… which is fitting, given the wicked case of scabies you haven’t told anyone about since Saturn went into Capricorn. There’s no sense in telling that touring band you said could crash on your couch at this point — this sort of thing usually takes care of itself anyway. Right?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As an adventurous Sag, you’ll need more drugs this month than usual… so take time this week to plan a trip to an outdoor fest, like Burning Man or Coachella — both perfect venues for showing off that pyramid-studded sleeveless vest we all know you definitely haven’t “had since the ’90s.” Get yourself a fat bag of Foxy and just lean into it.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Look out! Venus is fucking Mars in the bathroom of the house show that is your life, so use the opportunity to practice open communication and advocate for your needs. Do whatever you gotta do. Just make sure they stop — that shirtless dude looks like he’s got a bad one brewing.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You might find yourself dealing with a lot of confrontation this week, Aquarius. You might have, maybe, “accidentally” copied your friend’s cool new eagle tattoo, and it’s safe to say that they have DEFINITELY noticed. Sure, you only call that particular “friend” for weed anyway… but apologies are in order, so just fake your way through that shit and keep that connect like your ability to fall asleep depends on it.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Today is a day to take risks, Pisces. The sun is slowly coming back out, and with it, your Kevin Smith-like jorts… so now’s as good a time as ever to openly admit how much you enjoy Enema of the State — your true friends will love and accept the “new” you. Embrace it.

Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, Chloe Connaughton, and Jeremy Hammond. 

The post Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes appeared first on The Hard Times.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
While it is true that the stars don’t know everything, they do know that you are, without a doubt, wearing a black band T-shirt at this very moment.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Some people say it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission… and those are the people you need to avoid, Taurus. Whoever told you to crowdkill at the RVIVR show was a bad influence, and you need to stop talking to them. You’re already a tough sell — don’t add this to it, too.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sparks are flying, Gemini! Not romantic ones, sure, but they’re undeniably sparks, and they’re coming from that ’96 Chevy Astro you picked up for a cool $350… so, you might want to investigate, and definitely want to make sure nothing flammable is near them.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Tasks of any kind may seem completely unattainable this month, but just because you’ve been hungover for two weeks straight doesn’t mean you can’t accomplish your goals. Take a pull from that flask, lace up those Docs, and go walk that dog on the West side early so you can cover your bike messenger route this afternoon… that is, if you don’t wanna be late for your evening barista shift.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos can be fiery and headstrong, and this week will be no exception. Instead of fighting your rebellious side, Leo, embrace that shit! Headwalk as much as your heart desires — any meathead bouncer telling you otherwise is interfering with your astral destiny, “man.”

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Your routine is going to change a lot this month, Virgo. Dave is gonna mess with everything, and suddenly, you’re going to have to play more than the same three chords you’ve played since you were nine. Don’t worry too much, though — everyone, including Dave, will agree it’s too hard, and just give up around the full moon anyway.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Overwhelmed? Feeling suffocated? This basement show is too hot, Libra. You have to get out of here! You’re 30, nobody will make fun of you. Just get outside and breathe some fresh air. Be free! Besides, according to this astrologist (and your cardiologist), you’re at high risk of passing out at pretty much any given moment anyway, so it’s best to play it safe.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You’re a sexy little arachnid, aren’t you, Scorpio? Are scorpions arachnids? Anyway, whatever — once you get consent, use those claws to pinch some butts and fucking go for it! Snip snip! You’re a scorpion! (Which I have confirmed as arachnids.)

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As a Sagittarius, you were born to take risks. Your rebellious, in-your-face attitude is simply fulfilling your astrological destiny, no matter what your parole officer or the State of Texas says — to hell with those assholes! You do you!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Things are going extra great for you this week, Capricorn! Ride your good luck and sell a few tapes to people in the street; maybe ask dear ol’ Dad if you can borrow the Windstar for the night. We promise whatever you’re selling, people will be buying… or will at least wait until you’re out of earshot to start talking shit about it.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Today’s stars invite you to let the experimental drone side project go. Nobody wants it, nobody needs it. Be guided by Saturn’s bravery — stop pretending you’re “just waiting for the right set of musicians to come around,” and start admitting those musicians will never exist… because musicians don’t play drone.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Relationships have definitely been on your mind this month, playful Pisces, so go for it! Be bold and ask out that cutie at the record store. Who knows? You might score a date and a Dinosaur Jr. box set… or, at the very least, maybe some sweet store credit for all those old ska CDs taking up space at your mom’s house.

Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, Chloe Connaughton, and Jeremy Hammond. 

The post Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes appeared first on The Hard Times.

It’s early in the morning and Twitter is ablaze after a far-right political tweet storm with intentions to “make America great again” went viral. But this time, the hands firing off tweets aren’t orange — they’re black.

“The hat, then the flame emojis?” Kanye West says to me, as if anything I say to him would ever convince him to stop; I’ve seen several close family members try to no avail, and the thought of a music journalist with nothing more than a WiFi connection and a drive to expose the truth doing the trick now seems unlikely. “‘Aight, sent.”

We’re inside the 21-time Grammy-winning bloggers’ luxurious, hi-tech home studio when he asks this question. A few hip-hop icons have filtered in and out of the studio for features today, but West made me promise to not note their names in this piece. I’ve been granted access through a publicist with his label, and although he is not particularly happy to have a no-nonsense reporter in his creative space, he also doesn’t seem to mind having an extra sounding board.

But before long, West announces that it’s time to go get some food, and offers to drive me.

Last year, a rally organized by the alt-right in Charlottesville, Virginia turned deadly when James Fields drove his car into a group of people peacefully protesting against white supremacist efforts to keep up a statue of a Confederate general and “unite the right.”

I try to get in some questions on the ride over, but West’s phone rings almost all day — and he always picks up. It’s hard to not notice that in conversations with friends, he uses the N-word frequently. His Twitter is also littered with the slur — along with tone-deaf praise for President Trump, whom the alt-right refers to as “God Emperor Trump.”

Unannounced to me, we’re meeting up with West’s wife, celebrity Kim Kardashian, for dinner. Her connections to the alt-right and fascism aren’t immediately clear. The couple wanted to try a new restaurant they heard about through an online community of theirs.

It’s Russian food.

The intelligence community has long believed the Kremlin organized a concerted and sophisticated effort to fan flames of political polarization in the U.S. According to the FBI, the Russians used fake social media accounts to promote #MAGA and other messages similar to the ones Kanye West and alt-right darling Milo Yiannopoulos have used online.

“Hey, baby. How are you?” Kardashian softballed to West, sidestepping his far-right Russian Twitter propaganda and what is, now obviously, internalized racism. They embrace.

“Good. Long day, though. Great to see my girl,” he responds. “How did North do today?”

West was referencing the couple’s daughter and an afterschool program she’s struggled to adjust to, but the daily catch-up between the two busy parents is cut short by a waiter approaching the table.

The waiter’s name is Richard.

Richard Spencer coined the term “alt-right” in 2010 while writing for the proto-fascist magazine radixjournal. Soon after, he went full blown white nationalist and teamed up with neo-nazis. The Southern Poverty Law Center says he is one of the leading figures of modern day racism.

The dinner is nice, but before I get any questions in West offers me a ride home.

When a white, alt-right cis male drove a van into a crowd in Toronto, he did so in the name of misogyny — something West’s lyrics spout nonstop. It’s hard to say whether West was indirectly influential in the culture that led to such an attack… or perhaps even directly responsible, due to what I can only assume is his likely participation in dark web communities of alt-right and Russian trolls.

But one thing is clear: There will sadly always be a market for people of color unwilling to speak the words I want them to. And it’s up to journalists like me to call them on it when I see it.

The post We Spent The Day With Prominent Alt-Right Blogger Kanye West appeared first on The Hard Times.

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Multi-day music fest Welcome to Rockville was delayed on Friday after engaging in a multi-day battle against the highly competitive Welcome to Papersville and Welcome to Scissorsville events, sources close to the festivals confirmed.

“While we want to express our sincerest apologies for the delay, we can confirm Welcome to Rockville has, in fact, emerged victorious from the battle,” said event spokesperson Keri Yahm. “Because nothing is more embarrassing than being outshined by Papersville — everyone knows that.”

Since the winner of the tournament would pick where the trio would meet for drinks, Welcome to Rockville allegedly spent several days quietly biding its time, hoping that Welcome to Papersville and Welcome to Scissorsville would “work that shit out amongst themselves like a couple of assholes.”

“I’ll be damned if I’m hanging out at a Chili’s for the third week in a row — I just had to lay low and let Scissorsville do it’s thing ‘til Papersville got cut outta there,” Welcome to Rockville said. “Even though, if it really came down to it, I could easily bust through Papersville like it was nothing. Like, if you held Papersville outstretched, even a tiny Rockville would tear a hole right through it. I don’t know who made up those rules.”

When asked if the music festival was nervous at any point during the battle, Welcome to Rockville grew dismissive.

“Please, this ain’t my first spin around the block. I know how it works,” the fest boasted. “Yeah, Papersville might have tried some tricky shit with a bunch of throws in a row, but I knew it was only a matter of time before Scissorsville reared its pointy little head. And then, it was all smooth sailing for me.”

“Plus, I’m not sure what the fuck goes on at a paper or scissors festival anyway,” Welcome to Rockville added. “Go have fun wrapping presents and not seeing Ozzy, ya dicks.”

At press time, Welcome to Papersville was challenging its competitors to see who could win two rounds out of three.

Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews.

The post Welcome to Rockville Held Up in Multi-Day Battle Against Welcome to Papersville, Scissorsville appeared first on The Hard Times.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Use that Fire sign energy to call out anyone and everyone this week, Aries. It doesn’t have to make sense, or matter that they’ve fallen short of your arbitrary set of values that change with the seasons — just take to Facebook, and make sure your caps lock is set!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s time to shake off those winter blues, Taurus. The sun is in your sign as we speak, so hop on your friend’s porch with a case of your favorite beer and don’t leave until the garbage collector shows up the next morning to haul that disgusting, soggy couch away.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The call is coming from inside the house, Gemini. It’s all in your head. No one is trying to steal your ’zines and publish them as the next great YA novel. So, relax. Put down the homemade smiley.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Love is in the air, Cancer! This week you’ll meet the person who is, without a doubt, the one. Except… they aren’t vegan. And they don’t compost. And they just said American Idiot was Green Day’s best album. OK, you know what? Maybe being single isn’t so bad after all. Enjoy your long and lonesome life, Cancer!

Leo (July 23-August 22)
OMG! Yes! That literal pile of shit you stepped in last week? Definitely “a sign from the Universe or whatever” that the stray dog you found behind Mr. Natural needs to come home with you, Leo. Your roommates have pretty much grown to love the others by now, anyway, so what’s one more?!

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It’s a good week for spring cleaning, Virgo. Clear out your closet, and who knows? Maybe you’ll find some gems you forgot about — like that bowling shirt with the flame sleeves. Or, maybe your old, khaki bucket hat. Sometimes the hardest styles to let go of are the ones you definitely should’ve never tried in the first place… but goddamn it, it’s time.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Set some goals for yourself this week, Libra. You’ve attended the same community college for six years now. Try switching things up! You can always stop attending night classes halfway through the first semester.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Some people peak in high school. For others, it’s in their 20s. But you like to do things in your own way, Scorpio, always marching to the beat of your own drummer. What I’m trying to say is that 62-64 are going to be some killer years for you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You’ll be faced with multiple frustrations this week, Sag, so make self-care a priority. Drown out the sound of your new roommate and her girlfriend fighting, and their make-up sex, and then fighting again, and then the door slamming, and then crying, and then bong water bubbling, and then the theme song to The Office playing through the walls… with a relaxing, guided meditation.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
If you feel like the stars are calling you a poser this week, Capricorn, you aren’t totally wrong — just be aware that everyone else is, too.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Now is the time to trust yourself, Aquarius. Miz Cracker is the best contestant on this season of RuPaul’s Drag Race if you say so. Don’t let anyone try to Monet Exchange your mind!

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You could really use something to pull you out of your rut, Pisces. The stars suggest a change in your appearance… and there’s no better way than a brand new Hard Times T-shirt! Check out https://shop.thehardtimes.net/ for all your apparel needs!

Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, and Chloe Connaughton.

The post Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes appeared first on The Hard Times.

Following Epic Games’ announcement of tomorrow’s Infinity War themed update to their smash hit Fortnite, fifty percent of PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds users have reportedly vanished from the game without any explanation.

“It was the craziest thing,” said gamer Cliff Hoffman.  “I was in a squad with my boys, and then Joe was like ‘Whoa did you hear the Infinity Gauntlet is coming to Fortnite,’ and he suddenly just disappeared from the game. No one’s heard from him. Then Dan said he didn’t feel good and logged off, but I think he’s full of shit.”

At press time, an airplane was seen crashing into the ground, after the pilot walked away from the controls to load up Fortnite Mobile.

The post Half of PUBG Players Disappear as Thanos Arrives in Fortnite appeared first on The Hard Times.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Tensions are high near the 15th this month — especially around your home and family life. Tell your mom to fucking chill, you’ll pay her back (and then some!) just as soon as your demo gets picked up.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Universe is running on punk time for you this week, Taurus, so use the opportunity to sleep in a little later than usual… or risk arriving early and standing around like some asshole.

Gemini (May 21- June 20)
Remember last year, when you said you wanted to go vegan? Of course, that never ended up happening, but your friends knew you would never ACTUALLY stick to something, anyway. Prove them wrong this week, Gemini. Try giving up something that’s unhealthy for you… like that vape pen. PLEASE stop vaping. I mean, have you seen yourself?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Good things will continue to happen for you this week, Cancer. Mercury says the patches in the crotch of your jeggings will hold for an extra two weeks, so mosh hard.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
We all know you’re a great salesman, Leo. Unfortunately, no one is in the market for dumpster bagels. But, don’t fret! Seagulls make excellent snacking partners… if you’re willing to share.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
An opportunity to make a little money will come your way this week, Virgo. Make sure the van is gassed up and ready to help your co-worker move — it’ll be far more lucrative than all of your past tours, combined.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The end of this month is a fantastic time for you to make financial moves, Libra. Sure, some might tell you to invest in stocks, or cryptocurrency, but you and the universe both have a much more sound investment in mind — vinyl!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Be nice to Pisces this week, or so help me God, Scorpio, I will fucking cut you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Nobody — not even the stars — knows how you got yourself thrown out of a spoken word poetry show, Sag. Maybe it was the 40 oz. in your coat; maybe it was peeing in the artificial plant. Either way, one thing is certain — you better invest in a Chemex, because you are not welcome back on the premises of that coffee shop for a long, long time.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The power of positive thinking will not save you this week, Cap. You’re still a poser. Nice try, though. Asshole.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
It’s time to buckle down and start saving your money, Aquarius. That Descendents 7” you stood in line at 8 a.m. to buy on Record Store Day last month is the only equity you have to your name, so sit tight on that bad boy until it’s time to cash in.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You will have some issues with a Scorpio in your life this week, Pisces. Drink some coffee, listen to Bikini Kill, and clean the toilet with their toothbrush. Things will be better in no time.

Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, and Chloe Connaughton.

The post Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes appeared first on The Hard Times.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Aries. Nobody cares that Josh ate your leftover take out. It was moldy, and he puked after anyway. Get over it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you big ol’ bull. You’re known for being stubborn — ignoring the advice of others and following your own path. It’s what makes you, you! Combine that with your extreme procrastination, however, and that thing on your neck is going to continue to grow until you’re no longer recognizable to friends and family.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
An Earth-sign male will make an appearance in your life this week, Gemini… and it’s probably gonna be that patchwork-pants hippie kid asking for a ride again. Get creative with the excuses this time! Fill any and all free space in your car with Tupperwares full of unsold merch from two tours ago.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Put yourself out there this week, Cancer. Host a house show! Just be sure to fight the urge to go hide in your room once you remember how much you hate hosting shows, a mere 20 minutes after the stupid thing starts. Look to a pushover Libra in your life to pressure into helping you clean up.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Punk may or may not be dead, Leo, but one thing is for sure — you soon will be. You have until the 19th to get your affairs in order.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Some people might say you’re too old to still be skateboarding; others might say you’re too young to be in such horrific physical shape. Well, which one is it? You knew who I was before we started dating, and now, all of a sudden, you want me to change everything about myself! God, it’s like nothing I do is ever good enough for you, is it? Oh! Oh! Now you’re going to tell me I’m just like my father, aren’t you? Here we go!

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Maintaining the balance you naturally crave will be a tricky feat for you this week, Libra. Do your best to even things out by soaking up some of that 180 proof vodka with some bread or rice or something starchy.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, the times they are a’changing. Like it or not, you’re just going to have to get used to the new generation of kids showing up to all the same shows as you. Yeah, yeah, they aren’t as cool or cultured as you… but maybe one day they’ll also start a super-original vintage label on Etsy, or play synth in a prog rock band. You never know.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Eyes on the prize this month, Sagittarius. Only 6 more Tide Pods to go before you are the world record holder of frequent calls to poison control. Keep it going. You got this!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The stars must not be moving much for you this month or something, Cap. Same forecast as last week: still a poser. Maybe it’s just a phase?

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Someone will be taking you up on that offer to “crash anytime,” so use your naturally Airy ability to flake by pretending you didn’t see their messages until after they’ve already left town.

Pisces (February 19- March 20)
You’ve gotta get out of your comfort zone, Pisces. We get it: you have a new meme account on Instagram making fun of super-specific sub-genres of music that only you are into, but consider putting your creative energy to good use: start a comment war on someone else’s Instagram meme account making fun of super-specific sub-genres. Support the scene!

Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, and Chloe Connaughton.

The post Your Weekly Hardcoroscopes appeared first on The Hard Times.