The post <b>Crowbar’s Corner:</b> Directions to the Middle East
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Legendary music producer Quincy Jones is best known for his cool demeanor and ability to spot raw talent, but the 79-time Grammy Award nominee was also instrumental in the punk movement.

Jones recently granted The Hard Times an interview about his punk days that had the whole internet talking. Here is the complete transcript for your enjoyment.

What’s something people don’t understand about Greg Graffin of Bad Religion?
He stole a lot of songs. Donna Summer’s “State of Independence” and Bad Religion’s “American Jesus” are essentially the same. The notes don’t lie. Also, he prays the rosary every night. It’s no big secret.

Speaking of secrets, what’s something you wish you didn’t know?
Who killed punk.
Who did it?
Aliens
Aliens?
Tom [Delonge] was getting too close to the truth, so they pulled the plug on the whole shit.
I’ve heard people suggest this before. So, does that mean aliens are responsible for Avril Lavigne?
We really can’t talk about this publicly.

What’d you think when you first heard Weezer?
Weezer ain’t nothing but a whiter version of Ozma, motherfucker. And Ozma is just Nerf Herder if Nerf Herder lost their virginity. What’s your sign?
Leo
[Jones made a disapproving face.]

What was your first impression of Youth of Today?
They were the shittiest band I ever heard in my life. Graham Phillips was the worst bass player. And Drew… Don’t even get me going. He just couldn’t nail the drums on Break Down the Walls, so we sent him out for veggie burgers. Mike Judge came in and nailed the whole record in 15 minutes. Done.

Are there any punk musicians that you thought were good?
GG’s band. What were they called?
The Murder Junkies, or The Jabbers?
Yeah. The Murder Junkies, they could play. You know who gets down like GG Allin?
Who?
Tim Allen.
Are you serious? The “Tool Time” guy?
Motherfucker is nuts. You should see his yacht — blood and shit everywhere. Iggy always could perform, too. Everyone’s always talking about how he never wears a shirt, but you don’t even wanna know what his real chest looks like.
You mean that’s not his skin? What is it then?
I really shouldn’t be talking about this either.

Do you hear the spirit of punk in music today?
No, not since Kathleen [Hanna] was really doing her thing. People gave it up to chase memes. When you go after Millions of Dead Posers and Wipe Ya Docs Off and all that shit, God walks out of the room. With the state of the country and everything right now — sexual assault, racism alive and well, Trump and shit — would’ve looked a lot different in the ’80s. That’s what Rollins is always texting me, anyway.

Speaking of Rollins, can you tell us about your time as Henry’s roommate?
That dude loves him some shrimp-flavored Top Ramen. Like, inhales the stuff on the regular. I tell him, “You know that ain’t really shrimp. Just some powder, right?” Also, he couldn’t deadlift for shit until I showed him some technique.

What do you think of Trump?
Who cares? I’m sick of him. Known him a long time. I dated Ivanka during her punk phase, you know.
What the fuck? Seriously?
Oh, yeah. Years ago. Looking back on it though, I think it may have just been a terrible haircut.

Sexual assault allegations have come out recently against friends of yours like Jesse Lacey. What do you think of what’s happened in the punk scene since so many women have come forward?
It’s all those pop-punk guys. Luke Rockets, about ¾ of any Warped Tour lineup. Think about it: love songs for high school kids written by grown-ass men in their 30s. A bunch of bullies.
What about Lacey?
What about him? [Jones pauses for a moment and shifts in his seat] He’s not a Pisces man, that’s all I can say.

OK. Well, is there anyone you like in punk right now?
Fuck, no. Punk died when I stopped going to shows.

The post Here’s the Full Quincy Jones Interview Everyone Is Talking About
appeared first on The Hard Times.

If you are having trouble following all of the Star Wars movies coming out, no one can blame you… there’s so damn many! Here’s a helpful list of all the Star Wars films currently in production by Disney Studios.

1. Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)
2. Episode 9 (2019)
3. Obi Wan Prequel (2020)
4. Beru: The Story of Young Aunt Beru (2021)
5. Jar Jar’s Dad: The Untold Story of Mor Mor Binks (2022)
6. Nute Gunray: A Star Wars Story (2023)
7. Gonk: The Musical (2024)
8. Sy Snootles: A Snar Wars Sntory (2025)
9. The Death Stick Diaries (2026)
10. Untitled Wes Anderson Star Wars Starring Owen Wilson (2027)
11. Spaceballs 2: The Quest for More Money (2028)
12. Windu: A Motherfuckin’ Star Wars Story (2029)
13. Actually Mr. McCool’s my Father: Call Me Droopy McCool (2030)
14. Ewoks: The Battle for Endor 2 (2031)
15. Moisture Farmers’ Almanac (2032)
16. Untitled Johnny Mnemonic Crossover (2033)
17. What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Seat on the Council and Rank of Master (2034)
18. Sheev Palpatine: How I Became The Senate (2035)
19. The Story of Darth Plagueis the Wise (2036)
20. Star Wars 2: Electric Boogaloo (2037)
21. Star Wars: Viva Los Vader (2038)
22. Untitled Spinoff About 3 of the 5 Puppeteers For Jabba The Hutt (2039)
23. Han Shot First A Second Time Too (2040)
24. Ewoks: a Life After Religion (2041)
25. Natural Cloned Killers (2042)
26. Han Shot JFK (2043)
27. The Mandalorian’s Mandolin: A Star Wars Musical (2044)
28. Captain Corelli’s Mandaloria (2045)
29. The Stars And The Warious (2046)
30. Jar Jar’s List (2047)
31. Herding Nerf (2048)
32. A Muppet Star Wars (2049)
33. Star Wars: Masters of Teräs Käs (2049)
34. Trevor! The Hardcore Rancor (2050)
35. Did Anyone Say Star Wars Tokyo Drift Yet? (2051)
36. KISS VS. The Phantom Menace (2052)
37. Fuck it: A New Hope Reboot Starring Zac Efron and The Rock (2053)
38. Star Wars: Operation Raccoon City (2054)
39. Ewoks After Dark (2055)
40. Star Wars: The Atari Game: The Movie! (2056)
41. Episode XI: A New Hope IV (2057)
42. The Last Jedi 2: The Finaling (2058)
43. Star Wars Begins (2059)
44. Baby Solo: A Solo Star Wars Story (2060)
45. Toshi Station: a Kevin Smith film (2061)
46. The Adventures of CGI Princess Leia (2062)
47. The Force Awakens: We Felt Bad And Let George Lucas Tinker Around With It Edition (2063)
48. Porkins Chronicles (2064)
49. 12 Years A Slave On Tatooine (2065)
50. Star Wars: What If Yoda Was A Girl (2066)
51. Willennium Falcon (2067)
52. Boba Driver (2068)
53. Darth Maul: The Top Half (2069)
54. Darth Maul: The Bottom Half (2070)
55. Some Pig Creature With A Sword We Haven’t Named Yet: A Star Wars Story (2071)
56. Star Wars: A Kingdom Hearts Movie (2072)
57. R2D2 And C3PO Are Dead (2073)
58. Father! (2074)
59. The Secret Life of Mynocks (2075)
60. Chewbacca Meets the Xenomorph (2076)
61. R2D2: Battle Bot (2077)
62. Hutt: The Story of Jabba (2078)
63. Maul: Naboo’s Most Wanted (2079)
64. Princess: Based On A Novel By Sapphire (2080)
65. Rancornado (2081)
66. Jar Jar 1972 A.D (2082)
67. Jawas (Like Jaws, You Get It) (2083)
68. I Spit On Your Sarlacc (2084)
69. Don’t be a menace to mos eisley while drinkin ya blue milk in the hood (2085)
70. Reservoir Porgs (2086)
71. Podracer: Tatooine Drift (2087)
72. Friday The Episode XIIIth (2088)
73. The Force Is The Force Of Course, Of Course (2089)
74. The Last Jedi On The Left (2090)
75. Clash of the Taun Tauns (2091)
76. My Two Suns (2092)
77. Ramsay’s Cantina Nightmares (2093)
78. The Cantina Band Star in “All That Jizz” (2094)
79. Manchester by The Sarlacc (2095)
80. Star War: Because Technically It’s Only Ever Been One Long, Convoluted War (2096)
81. Colt 45: A Lando Calrissian Star Wars Story (2097)
82. Star Wars: The Introduction of a Jeff Bridges Character (2098)
83. Star Wars Episode II: The Clone Wars 2: Electric Boogaloo (2099)
84. Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un Defeats Westernized Space Rebels (2100)
85. Ernest Goes to Crait (2101)
86. 3 Hours of George Lucas Panting Angrily and Tearing up Photos of Kylo Ren (2102)
87. Untitled George Lucas Comeback Film (2103)
88. Watto’s Bar Mitzvahs (2104)
89. It’s a Wrap: Remembering Ackbar [Documentary] (2105)
90. Yoda’s First Poop (2106)
91. A Good Day to Die Star Wars (2107)
92. Fuck It, Here’s Dwayne The Rock Johnson: A Star Wars “Story” (2108)
93. Khan: a Star Wars Story (2109)
94. Podracerhead, directed by David Lynch (2110)
95. Willow 2 (2112)
96. Star Wars: A New Hope but with Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” as Every Song in the Soundtrack (2112)
97. Thrwingo Xxingo and the Stinky Pink Dingo (2113)
98. George Lucas Talking Into a Camera About Red Tails In Front of a Green Screen Showing Space (2114)
99. Ewok the Line (2115)
100. Mon Mothma: Live, Uncut & Outrageous! (2116)
101. This Ain’t Star Wars: A XXX Parody That’s Also Canon (2117)
102. Salacious B. Crumb in Love (2118)
103. The Mon Calamari Incident (2119)
104. Solo 2: Still a Star Wars Story (2120)
105. Piett, You Fool : A Star Wars Novel Turned Movie(2121)
106. Dash Rendar and the Temple of Doom (2122)
107. The Firstery Of Galacto Smixel Kuvsherry & The Wen Lodi Munselbaum Dynasty Kingdom (2123)
108. Avengers: Secret Wars (2124)
109. While You Were Frozen in Carbonite (2125)
110. Midichlorians: a BBC Earth Miniseries (2136)
111. Mr. Blue Guy: The Story of the Max Rebo Band (2137)
112. Jango Fett Unchained (2138)
113. Four Horns, No Mouths: The Cantina Band Story (2139)
114. Just the Cutscenes From Shadows of the Empire (2140)
115. Star Wars Episode 57: The Birth of Christ (2141)
116. Holiday Special: remastered (2142)
117. Jabba’s Palace Pig Guards: A Star Wars Story (2143)
118. Gyoarg Lookaz: a Star Wars Story (2144)
119. Guardians of the Galaxy 4: Jedis Are Totally In The Mix (2145)
120. How It’s Made: Blue Milk (2146)
121. Mon Mothma Prophecies (2147)
122. Star Wars Original 1977 Cut: RELOADED (2148)
123. Burn Out, Don’t Fade Away: The Nien Nunb Story (2149)
124. Knights of the Old Republic: The Movie: A Star Wars Story That Disappoints on Two Fronts (2150)
125. Rapid Cuts: a Star Wars Trailer The Movie (2151)
126. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace But Each Character Is Replaced By Gungans (2152)
127. Sithter Act 2: Back in the Habit (2153)
128. There Is No End. This Is What We Have Become. You Have Done This: a Star Wars Story (2154)
129. Let The Wookiee Win: A Holo-Chess Tale (2155)
130. Star Wars Episode 33: J.J. Abrams Had a Few Free Hours (2156)
131. Bothans, Droids, and Other Second Class Citizens in the Star Wars Universe (2157)
132. I Am Not Your Nerfherder (2158)
133. PFA: A Tale of the Legal Action Disney Had To Take After George Lucas Stood Outside Their Offices for Weeks Shouting “Do You Need Me to Make ‘Binks’ Now?” (2159)
134. To Pimp a Jedi: a Space Opera (2160)
135. Call Me By Your Rancor (2161)
136. Jabba the Hutt and the New Years Resolution to Lose Weight (2162)
137. Episode 45: The Rise of Arli$$ (2163)
138. Sand. Just Sand for 3.5 Hours: A Star Wars Story (2164)
139. Behind the Music: Cantina Band (2165)
140. Bride of the Last Jedi (2166)
141. Star Wars: The Next Generation (2167)
142. Fuck You: Stair Wars (2168)
143. Star Wars Episode CCCXXXVIII: Only XLIV More To Go (2169)
144. 90 minutes of Michael Eisner Sexually Defiling your Childhood but it’s Okay Because he  Winks at the Camera and his Penis is a Jawa (2170)
145. A Very Hanukkah Star Wars (2171)
146. Star Wars: Technically Cloverfield (2172)
147. 2 Star 2 Wars (2173)
148. Star Wars: The College Years (2174)
149. A Newer Hope (2175)
150. Rogue One 3: The Reckoning (2176)
151. Jeopardy: Star Wars! (2177)
152. The Han That Rocks the Cradle (2178)
153. Untitled Death Star Garbage Creature Trilogy (2179)
154. Look At All These Fucking Porgis (Working Title) (2180)
155. Star Wars: The Force’s Last First Jedi of The Empire (2181)
156. Animal House But In Space (2182)
157. Blompy (2183)
158. Tiny Star Wars! (2184)
159. Episode 420: wut uuuuuuuuup haha by Seth Rogen (2185)
160. Star Wars: Jedi High School (2186)
161. The Hutt Father (2187)
162. Star Wars: The Peaceful Years (2189)
163. Mon Mothma Bingo Party (2191)
164. Fear And Loathing In Mos Eisley (2193)
165. Wookiee Racers: The Fast & The Furriest (2194)
166. Tyler Perry’s Madea Slaps Back: A Star Wars Story (2197)
167. Episode 311: Amber is the Color of Your Energy (2180)
168. Listen, We’re Broke: A Disney Story (2185)
169. Episode 69: Nice (2190)
170. Loose Change: Alderaan (2191)
171. Star Wars: Cantina Band Camp (2195)
172. Star Wars President’s Day Special (2204)
173. Luke Skywalker: The Puberty Years (2205)
174. Weekend at R2D2’s (2208)
175. No More Star Wars: Why Disney Suddenly Stopped Making Movies (2234)
176. C3P0 Comes Out: A Star Wars Short Film (2235)
177. The Human Sarlacc (2240)
178. Some Bullshit with Legos: STAR WARS (2242)
179. BB-8 Mile: Rise of BB-Rabbit (2244)
180. 95 Minutes of George Lucas Masturbating REMASTERED (2246)
181. The Christmas Special Strikes Back: An Easter Special (2248)
182. Dexter Jettster: A Star Wars Story (2250)
183. Wookiee of the Year (2252)
184. Star Wars: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the New, Even Bigger Death Star (2254)
185. Indiana Jones and the Spaceship he Found That Took Off by Itself and Took Him into the Past (2256)
186. How the Ewoks stole Life Day (2257)
187. Star Wars: Ronald Reagan (2258)
188. Freddy Vs Jason Vs Luke (2259)
189. Ploo Koon and His Pet Raccoon (2260)
190. Star Wars 2 The Space Streets (2261)
191. The Shape of Water 2: Jar Jar Binks Fucks Leia (2262)
192. Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes: Live In Vegas (2263)
193. Million Dollar Youngling, starring Hillary Swank (2264)
194. Eat, Pray, Lobot: Technically A Star Wars Story (2265)
195. Thank You For Being Ackmena – Featuring a CGI Bea Arthur (2266)
196. The Lando Before Time (2267)
197. This Ticket Costs $19 Without Moviepass: A Star Wars Fuck You (2268)
198. Thumb Wars (2269)
199. Whatever It’s The Droids I Guess (2270)
200. The one where Chandler and Joey make the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs (2271)
201. Boss Nass v Boss Baby: Dawn of Gungans (2272)
202. A Star Wars Movie Made By A Non-White-Male Person (2273)
203. Midichlorians & You: A Coming Of Age Tale (2274)
204. THE Star War (2275)
205. Star Wars Episode 0: Anakin’s Parents Fucking (2276)
206. A Rancor Eats And Shits Alex Jones For Two Hours (2277)
207. Felicity (2278)
208. How Supreme Leader Snoke Got His Groove Back (2279)
209. Space Caligula (2280)
210. Sex, Lies, & BB-8 (2281)
211. My Dinner With Ackbar (2282)
212. Alderaan And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2283)
213. Porgasm! (2284)
214. Cool Hand Luke: Star Wars Star Wars STAR WARS (2285)
215. Trust Us There’s A Premise, But Who Cares You’ll See It Anyway: A Star Wars Story (2286)
216. March Of The Nerfs (2287)
217. Star Wars: The Credits (2288)
218. Untitled Origin Story of Flying Yellow Letters (2289)
219. Two Hours Of That One Scene Where The Stormtrooper Bumps His Head (2290)
220. Steamed Hams But Its Kylo Ren Explaining To Snoke Why He Didn’t Kill Rey (2291)
221. Star Wars: The Next Generation, but like the Degrassi one not the Star Trek one (2292)
222. Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supreme Cinema Presents: The Pepsi Star Wars Christmas Spectacular Featuring Bruno Mars (2293)
223. Star Wars Babies (2294)
224. Young Sheldon in Space (2295)
225. Firefly (2296)
226. Look Who’s Beeping (2297)
227. Look Who’s Beeping Now (2298)
228. Uncle Owen’s Revenge (2299)
229. Honey, I blew up the Death Star (2300)
230. Kylo Leonard Part 6 (2301)
231. Gone with the Mace Windu (2302)
232. Untitled Movie Set in Jedi Ghost Planet Starring a Yoda Puppet (2303)
233. Just Cameos: A Star Wars Story (2304)
234. Super Mario Galaxy Far Far Away (2305)
235. HighLando (2306)
236. Black Snoke Moan (2307)
237. Seven Samurai Except With Lasers or Something (2308)
238. Alt Wars: The Empire’s Free Speech March (2309)
239. Terrence Malick’s Milk of the Thala-Siren: Six Hour Director’s Cut (2310)
240. Star Wars Meets The Minion (2311)
241. Star Wars But Every Time They Say Force it Gets Faster (2312)
242. Fantasia 2018 (entirely to the music from Star Wars) (2313)
243. Disney Pixar’s Boomy, The Bomb Who Brought His Own Gravity (2314)
244. Sebulba’s List (2315)
245. Czar Wars Episode VI: Return of the Proletariat (2316)
246. Star Wars: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (2317)
247. Star Wars Episode 2.85: Birth By Sleep (2318)
248. Star Wars 2001: A Super Mario Odyssey (2319)
249. Where’s Watto? A Star Wars Story (2320)
250. Oh My God, A New Hope Synced Up With Physical Graffiti (2321)
251. Lego Star Wars Batman Boss Baby (2322)
252. Star Wars Meets The Flintstones (2323)
253. Porkins 2: The Next Day (2324)
254. Star Wars: Viva Rock Vegas (2325)
255. Emmanuelle on Endor (2326)
256. Star Wars: PEW! PEW! PEW! (2327)
257. American Pie Presents: Star Wars (2328)
258. National Lampoon’s Han Wilder (Direct to DVD) (2329)
259. The One Where Chewy Talks (2330)
260. Star Wars: Stargate SG: 1 (2331)
261. Stay On Target: The Davish Krail Story (2332)
262. Jabba No Badda: De Wanna Wanga (2333)
263. Farscape: The Peacekeeper Star Wars (2334)
264. What About Boba Fett? (2335)
265. Captain Phantasm (2336)
266. Chewbacca’s Day Off (2337)
267. Abbot & Costello Meet Count Dooku (2338)
268. Star Wars: A Registered Trademark Of The Disney Corporation (2339)
269. George Lucas’ Future Son Gets to Make a Star Wars (2340)
270. Star Wars Presents: Fan Fiction Showcase (2341)
271. It’s Raining Men, Metal and Mandalorians: The Aftermath Of The Death Star Explosion (2342)
272. Episode 9: The Force Of The Fiddle (2343)
273. Bowling For Coruscant (2344)
274. Some Like it Hoth (2345)
275. Star Wars: Championship Turbo Edition (2346)
276. Doctor Who Vs. The Stormtroopers (2347)
277. The Force Asleepens (2348)
278. Good Shot, Janson: A Wedge Antilles Story (2349)
279. Space Reservoir Dogs (2350)
280. The Color Purple Lightsaber (2351)
281. The Trouble With Porgs (2352)
282. Star Wars But Everyone Rides Dragons (2353)
283. Luke and Leah Get Bizzzay: A Classy Family Film (2354)
284. The Spawn of Thrawn (2355)
285. That Weird Al Song About Yoda, but We Made it It’s Own Claymation-Style Feature Film Directed by Tim Burton (2356)
286. 200 Death Sticks (2357)
287. The Scouring of Endor (2358)
288. George Lucas’s “Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress” (2359)
289. “I Know”: Marrying a Narcissist in a Galaxy Far Away: A Documentary Narrated by General Leia Organa (2360)
290. Star Wars: Twelve (2361)

Article by Hard Drive staff @HardDriveMag

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The post Here’s All 290 Star Wars Movies Officially in Production Right Now
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FRESNO, Calif. — Local metalhead Terry Parker found yesterday that he is almost out of body parts into which to carve the word “Slayer” as a tribute to his favorite band, sources close to the young man confirmed.

“It started out pretty simple. He’d carve ‘Slayer’ into his arms, like most people do, before moving onto his thigh, the tops of this feet — all the basic spots,” said longtime friend Angela Doane. “Eventually, it got to the point where he had to train himself to do it with his left hand. The first few were super sloppy… like, he’s got some that look like ‘Stapor’ and ‘Scnt8r.’ But he’s actually pretty good at it now.”

Parker estimates he already has over 50 ‘Slayer’ scars, but is beginning to worry that space for future carvings may be limited.

“You know, I used to only carve ‘Slayer’ into body parts I could cover up, so I wouldn’t have any issues getting a job or anything,” Parker said, rubbing ointment on his most recent self-inflicted “Slayer” wound. “But things at the gas station have been going well, so I got a little more bold. I’ve got ‘Slayer’ carved into my hands, neck, forehead, and shins… but I really don’t know where to go from here.”

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Friends of Parker say the young metalhead has begun recruiting them to help carve up parts of his body he cannot reach on his own.

“None of us are really comfortable cutting open our friend with a knife, so he tried to get creative in order to reach his back,” said roommate Danica Owens. “He taped a knife to the corner of a door and tried to lean into it, but since he couldn’t see what he was doing, he just ended up stabbing himself too deep and going to the hospital, like an idiot.”

“On the plus side, he has been doing yoga to increase his flexibility, and I’ve never seen him happier or in better shape, so that’s cool,” Owens added.

A spokesperson for Slayer reminded the public that the band does not condone carving their name into anyone’s body, but do agree that it is “pretty fucking sick.”

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews. Photo by Dylan Jones. 

The post Metalhead Running out of Body Parts to Carve Slayer Into
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LANSING, Mich. — Local OSHA inspector Gary Branville found an upsettingly high number of blatant safety violations in the latest edition of the popular “Construction Chicks” calendar series, government officials confirmed.

“As soon as you look at the cover of the calendar, lots of things jump right out at you,” Branville said as he slowly looked over each month in the calendar from various angles. “Like right here: this young woman is operating some sort of torch, with no eye protection whatsoever. Any OSHA inspector worth his salt would have shut this jobsite down immediately.”

Branville discovered the calendar while conducting a routine safety compliance check at a Battle Creek warehouse.

“Lots of these warehouse workers will have calendars like this scattered around, but I certainly hope they don’t get influenced by any of the poor safety habits of these models,” said Branville. “Miss August is sitting on top of a 4’ ladder, despite numerous warnings clearly posted on the ladder itself. And as far as I understand, Daisy Duke-style shorts have not been permitted on any jobsite I’ve ever been on. I will say, though: the boots she’s wearing do appear to be steel toed, so I have to give some credit for that.”

“I just hope these workers realize that, at the end of the day, nothing’s sexier than industrial head protection that meets the 1997, 2003, and 2009 editions of ANSI Z89.1. When worn with high-visibility work attire, anyway,” he added.

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Jaylene Shelton, featured as Miss May in the calendar, defended her casual jobsite attire.

“I understand safety is always a priority in any workplace, but comfort is also something to consider,” said Shelton. “That’s why I’m wearing the proper OSHA-rated fall protection harness with pride. Yeah, maybe I’m not wearing anything else under it, but since this particular job site was in hot-and-humid Miami, I actually felt more safe knowing I wasn’t going to risk overheating or something. The wardrobe guys on that shoot seemed to really know what they were doing.”

At press time, Branville was unable to pursue citations for the countless violations seen in the calendar due to his ongoing investigation into the poor work practices portrayed in the popular children’s show, Bob the Builder.

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews.

The post <b>OSHA</b> Inspector Shocked by Numerous Safety Violations in <i>“Construction Chicks 2018”</i> Calendar
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INDIANAPOLIS – Local girlfriend Stacey Hopkins, currently sitting on the edge of the couch while her boyfriend plays Battlefront II, has reportedly just dropped $3,000 to buy extra-comfy chairs in her virtual restaurant.

When reached for comment on this story, Hopkins declined to comment through a series of acknowledging smirks and embarrassed laughs. Her partner was more forthcoming.

“As soon as she moved into my place I started getting all this mail that said ‘If you are in over $25,000 worth of credit card debt then this is the solution for you,’” he said. “I thought it was some sort of mistake at first but then I saw the restaurant on her freemium game — Jesus, those chairs look nice.”

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According to sources who say they have checked in on her phone while she was asleep, Hopkins has the fastest grill, comfiest chair, and nicest welcome mat possible in the game, allowing her customers to stay in the restaurant for much longer than players who only spend currency earned in-game as opposed to wiring in actual cash.

“I like to offer a world-class experience for my customers,” Hopkins said in private, according to friends who spoke on condition of anonymity. “When you’re in my restaurant, I want you to feel like you’re home — that’s why I had to get the set of Golden Throne Chairs.”

UPDATE: The price of the chairs are nothing compared to what she has dropped on the Kim Kardashian game.

Article by Hard Drive staff @HardDriveMag

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KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Butthole Canyon frontman Richie Butthole increasingly regrets his chosen stage name, now that he is approaching his mid-30s, sources close to the vocalist confirm.

“If I could do it all over again, I probably wouldn’t have gone with the stage name,” said Butthole, who was born Richard Saunders. “Or maybe I would have done something like Sting, or The Edge did. I’m pretty sure nobody yells ‘Butthole’ at them from across the street when they’re out shopping with their parents.”

Butthole has started asking bandmates to refer to him as “Rich” or “Richard” as he attempts to sound more “adult-like,” with mixed results.

“After practice, Richie asked all of us to start calling him a more ‘respectable’ name, and… holy shit, that really backfired,” said Butthole Canyon drummer Tyrone Miller. “We had a good laugh, and now he has like 15 new nicknames: like ‘Dicky Butts,’ ‘Richard F. Butthole,’ and, my favorite, ‘President Slick Dick Butty Butt Butt.’”

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• Punk’s Out-of-Office Email Response Needlessly Offensive
• Controversial Metal Band Writes Offensively Cliché Lyrics

A maturing worldview is just one of the many reasons Butthole wants to shed his stage name.

“In my 20s, I led a pretty crazy life — like, lots of drugs and booze — but now that I’m in my 30s, my mortality has been on my mind more and more,” said Butthole, staring off into the distance. “If I were to die tomorrow, I really don’t want my loved ones to have to visit a tombstone that says, ‘Here Lies Richie Butthole, A Real Piece of Shit.’ Because that’s what my bandmates have planned. They said they have a Kickstarter page ready to go. I feel like I need to nip this thing in the bud sooner than later.”

Punk historian Kerry O’Malley claimed that many punks regret their nicknames as they grow older, with some taking extreme measures to shed the monikers.

“One of the more famous examples was Jerry Jizzmouth of the L.A. punk band, Jizzersize. When he became a father, his friends called his newborn ‘Baby Jizz,’ and it upset him to no end,” said O’Malley. “So he quit Jizzersize and started his own solo country project. Now, he’s known worldwide by his birth name — Kenny Chesney — but a lot of old-school punks still know the truth.”

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NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — 33-year-old pop-punk frontman Danny Huerta has reportedly been cast out of the scene he helped build after he was outed late last week as dating a woman his own age, multiple sources confirmed.

“I mean, I don’t even know what to say… other than that me and the rest of the guys are absolutely shocked,” said Sloth Love Chunk bandmate, guitarist Jerry Klein. “As soon as we found out, [Huerta] was immediately asked to leave the band. We are obviously sorry we missed this, and want all of our fans out there to know that this in no way reflects any of the other members’ preference for relationships with women 10 to 15 years younger than us.”

Rumors that Huerta is dating 29-year-old real estate agent Amy Silva were confirmed when the singer was caught wearing a suit at Silva’s former college roommate’s wedding.

“I saw these photos pop up online, with Danny hanging out with all these old-ass people. I got worried,” said band manager Ryan Han. “None of the girls had braces, none of them were wearing wristbands, and there wasn’t a single tank top to be found anywhere. It was really alarming.”

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• All Warped Tour Stages Moved 100 Feet from Audience to Comply with Sex Offender Laws
• Pop Punk Vocalist Wears Three Tank Tops to Bundle up for Winter

Huerta released a statement disclosing he has, in fact, been dating a similarly-aged woman. However, he refused to apologize.

“The allegations that have been leveled against me are absolutely true: I share a consensual relationship with a woman who has been able to rent a car since 2014, and isn’t even a member of her parent’s cell phone family plan,” the statement read. “I have always stood by my belief that age is nothing more than a number assigned to us related to our day of birth, and I still believe that. I have never been happier, and plan to remain in this relationship while wishing my brothers in Sloth Love Chunk nothing but the best.”

At press time, the 185-pound Huerta was fighting fresh criticism for donating a garbage bag full of Youth XL T-shirts to a local thrift store while dressed in a men’s large.

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ATLANTA — Delta Airlines flight attendant Moses Ray dedicated yesterday’s routine flight to Chicago to “the real mother fuckers in coach” during an impassioned pre-flight announcement shortly before take off, passengers in full upright and locked positions confirmed.

“He seemed really worked up,” said passenger Teresa Larson. “Once the door closed, he used that little intercom thing to ‘shout out’ all of us in the back 25 rows as ‘the misfits and the fuck-ups,’ and the only ones who truly understood ‘the struggle.’ Then it was another 3 minutes all about unity, brotherhood, and how our seats cannot be used as a flotation device.”

The standard pre-flight safety announcements set up the next several minutes of Ray introducing the other members of the crew.

“Yo, when I get on that PA, it is my time to shine. I spread that glow over everyone with me in Airbus A321 because we are in this together — one family,” Ray told reporters as he prepped for the first round of food service. “Without Linda up front, Big Tim and his main man Lucky Luke in the cockpit, and Jenna back here with me on pretzels and cookies, this flight can’t happen. But, at the end of the day, it’s the people who paid too much for a ticket and were hit with a bunch of unnecessary fees that make this all possible, and I want them to know that I see them.”

Despite overwhelming support from the back of the plane, some passengers were allegedly upset by Ray’s comments.

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“Quite frankly, that man made me feel uncomfortable,” said frequent flyer and Delta Medallion Diamond member Dr. Angela Reyes. “He kept calling everyone up front ‘a bunch of sellouts,’ and invited people from coach to use the bathrooms reserved for first class passengers. He certainly swore a lot more than I would have liked. I wish he could have just done a funny skit, like I see from Southwest flight attendants on Facebook.”

As of press time, Ray was handing out pamphlets on the benefits of being an ethical vegan to each passenger who did not order the vegetarian food options.

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RENO, Nev. — Touring hardcore outfit Hammer Envy received a single, damp towel last night to share amongst the four of them while staying at a local punk’s home following their show, filthy members of the group confirmed.

“This is our first time in Reno, so we’re really thankful Sammy [Cruz] let us crash at her place before we head back out,” said Hammer Envy bassist Pedro Turner. “The house really isn’t in the best shape, though. No one could figure out how her shower even works, and the one towel she gave us all to dry off with smells like a dumpster where mold goes to have disgusting sex.”

The amenity in question — a light blue, Threshold-brand variety believed to be stolen from a St. Louis hotel — has reportedly been used by multiple bands, and has yet to endure a wash cycle in nearly three years.

“Sure, it looks pretty raggedy, but that towel has been through a lot. I think the guys from Sky Raker left it behind after they rolled through a few years back, and it’s sort of been the go-to towel for anyone visiting ever since,” said Cruz. “My housemates only use it when they need to either dry the dog or soak up the puddle behind the refrigerator. It’s nice to have something to offer guests.”

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• Venue’s Glade Plug-In Doing the Best It Can

Sadly, members of the band are looking for more absorbent options.

“We’re nearing the end of the tour, so we don’t really have any clean clothes we could dry off with,” said drummer Al Dixon. “There’s a bandana on the floor of the van… but, honestly, I think I’d be better off taking my chances with the moldy garbage towel. I stole a bunch of napkins from the venue that should do the trick for tonight at least. The other guys are screwed, though.”

Members of Hammer Envy were last seen running back to their van to avoid an unwashed sheet and an old pillow Cruz offered to “make them more comfortable.”

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BALTIMORE — Married couple Kenny Wallace and Audrey Tyler are praying to “Christ or whatever the fuck” that the band they’re seeing will not return to the stage for an encore, tired sources who have to be up for work in the morning confirm.

“One of their roadies just set up an acoustic guitar by the front of the stage, and their amps are still turned on, so this is a pretty bad sign,” said Tyler as she massaged her own neck. “They’ve already played for 45 goddamn minutes — that’s enough on a weeknight. Other than two or three fan favorites, they played all their good shit, so I’m really hoping they just call it a night.”

Tyler’s husband agreed strongly with her anti-encore stance.

“This might be a one-time reunion tour sort of thing, but they have to realize it’s almost 10:30 p.m. on a Wednesday and neither of us remembered to bring earplugs,” said Wallace with his hands on his hips, trying in vain to stretch his lower back. “If they come out and play an encore, we could be here for another 15 to 20 minutes… which I’m definitely gonna be feeling at the office tomorrow.”

“Plus, my sciatica is flaring up from all this standing. I swear, if another person bumps into me tonight, I’m going to lose my mind,” he added.

Related:

• Band Still Backstage Waiting for Encore Chants
• Local Band Threatens Audience With Encore
• Nobody Sure if Post Rock Band Has Started Playing Yet

The majority of fans attending the show, however, are gleefully anticipating the band’s return to the stage.

“I was looking online and I saw they played their entire first E.P. in full for an encore in Boston last Friday — that would be so sick if they did that tonight,” sweaty showgoer Rosa Neal said between chants of “one more song.” “Things are looking good. The house lights still haven’t come on, and it looks like someone just fired up a smoke machine… glad I got a little bit of a rest, because I’m about to go off!”

At press time, Wallace and Tyler were having a frank discussion about how shows “just aren’t as fun as they used to be,” and that venues need a section catered to adults who “just want to sit down and enjoy themselves.”

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ALLSTON, Mass. — Residents of a basement apartment on Gardner Street are counting on a single, $5 tub of spackle to repair multiple doors, walls, and pieces of flooring for a full return on their security deposit, sources close to the decrepit home confirmed.

“We did a lot of damage to the apartment over the past year, but it’s not all our fault. The punching competition we had last summer wouldn’t have made such a mess if the drywall wasn’t this cheap, half-inch crap,” said resident Jack Carassini. “I taped a poster over the hole and then smoothed some putty over it, though, so it looks good as new… just as long as the lights are off.”

The apartment, which houses five college-aged local punks, served as a default meeting spot before heading out into the city with friends over the years.

“Things could get pretty rowdy here, and I guess we’re paying for it now,” said primary lease holder Becky Park. “We had one party where everyone dressed up as superheros, and someone showed up with a real sword. It was fun, until they stabbed it through the door while someone was on the other side trying to take a piss. The spackle sort of filled the hole, but the blood stains might take a thing of club soda or something, because they ain’t going anywhere.”

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Carassini’s father, a private contractor, purchased the spackle and initially attempted to help the residents with repairs.

“I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I thought maybe — maybe — we’d need to patch some holes where they hung a few photos or put up a bookshelf, but I’ve never seen anything like this,” said the elder Carassini. “It looked like a can of spray paint exploded by the front door. When I found what looked like a human shit in the cat’s litter box that had been there for God knows how long, I just had to leave.”

At press time, residents were desperately trying to find a pet snake that escaped its terrarium and is potentially in the heating ducts.

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LOS ANGELES — The dilapidated building that provided the backdrop for every promo photo from every hardcore band ever will be demolished and replaced with luxury condos early next year, city officials confirmed.

“[The building] is a piece of underground music history. It’ll be a shame to see it go,” said band photographer Maureen Beck of Columbus, Ohio. “Anytime a new hardcore band popped up in town, and they needed a photo for their demo, Myspace, or Facebook page, the first thing we’d do is a book a flight to L.A. and head out to the building.”

“It’s hard enough knowing the brick wall from everyone’s demo is now a frozen yogurt shop,” she added. “And I don’t even wanna think about what happened to those old train tracks from the ’90s.”

The building, which once manufactured mattresses for the U.S. military, has been vacant since the 1960s and immediately fell into disrepair once abandoned.

“My grandfather used to work in the factory, but after a fire wiped out the insides, it just kind of sat there. Kids would break in to smoke grass and smash windows,” said neighborhood resident Iris Bailey. “Then, sometime in the late ’70s, all these groups of people would come and get their picture taken in front of it. They’d always scowl and cross their arms trying to look scary, and that’s been happening almost every day since.”

Related:

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Activists allegedly attempted to save the property from demolition through a flyering campaign that was widely ignored.

“At any given time, there were 35 to 40 bands posing in front of the building. We tried to get them to pitch in to help save the space, but we only raised $14 between six donors… which hardly touched the $6.4 million we needed,” said hardcore music historian Jerry Hubbard. “It just won’t be the same seeing a band pose in front a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, but I guess that’s ‘progress.’”

According to developers, the suburban field that every pop-punk band poses in during sunset will not be affected by construction.

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I love Smash Bros as much as the next guy, but if the new game being made for the Nintendo Switch doesn’t include EVERY SINGLE ONE of these characters, then it is 100% going to be trash. Obviously, I’ll still buy a Switch so I can play it and find out. I actually own the Switch already but I’ll buy one that’s just for Smash Bros.

Anyway, here’s the list:

1. Goku
2. The Cast Of The Jersey Shore
3. Buster Bunny from Tiny Toons
4. A Pokémon Snap Station
5. All Sonic OC Characters
6. Goku
7. The Elusive Bigfoot
8. Claire Danes circa My So Called Life
9. Alex Jones
10. Eggplant Emoji
11. Steve Jobs Played By Ashton Kutcher
12. That alien robot Dr Wiley turns into
13. Berenstein Bears (alt skin for Berenstain Bears)
14. For some reason, a car
15. Young Jerry Seinfeld
16. Metta World Peace Knight
17. Ray Man
18. Billy Mays
19. The Mighty Sarlacc (playable character AND stage)
20. Waluigi (circumcised skin)
21. Arsenio Hall
22. Harambe
23. God
24. Goku
25. The End of Racism (we apologise in advance that this character cannot be selected)
26. Good Eats era & Cutthroat Kitchen era Alton Brown
27. Zelda from Pet Cemetery
28. Goku
29. Erectile Dysfunction Luigi
30. Sonic
31. Chad Muska from Tony Hawks Underground 1
32. Dave Grohl
33. Goku
34. Mads Mikkelsen and Hideo Kojima
35. M’Baku
36. Samurai Jack
37. Error from Legend of Zelda: Adventure of Link
38. None of the Joestars
39. The Crying Indian From Those Recycling Ads
40. Bugs Bunny Dressed as a Girl Bunny
41. Geriatric Luigi
42. FDR in a mech suit
43. Goku
44. Former Daily Show Host Craig Kilborn
45. Unlockable Character Silhouette
46. That glitch where you can see Samus naked if you shock her with pikachu and pause at the exact right time
47. Horny Single Women In Your Area Looking To Fuck
48. The Letter H
49. Goku
50. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer
51. A human centipede
52. Link with a Gun
53. Anthony Scaramucci
54. That Same Homeless Guy You Always See On Your Commute To Work
55. Walter White
56. The Illuminati
57. Goku
58. Jar Jar Binks
59. Drake’s father
60. Honey Smacks mascot
61. Hurricane Katrina
62. Noam Chomsky
63. He Hate Me
64. Solid Snake
65. Jessica Rabbit
66. Sheeva with four tits
67. Reunited R.E.M.
68. Senator Armstrong in a Red Baseball Cap
69. Barack Obama
70. Mrs. Game and Watch
71. The Person You Lost Your Virginity To
72. The nice guy at the deli who knows what you want before you order it which really helps to make your neighborhood feel like a community
73. Noctis Lucis Caelum
74. The Main Soldier and the Main Creature from Small Soldiers
75. Halo
76. The Italian BMT now $5 at Subway
77. Both of the Moms from Fresh Prince
78. Busty flower from conker’s bad fur day
79. Goku
80. Kenan Thompson
81. Final smash: NUNCHUCKS
82. Hitler, but Like, Not in an Offensive Way
83. Ty Pennington for Guaranteed Rates
84. Old AIM Account
85. G-String Samus
86. The Cast of The Breakfast Club
87. That One Gringotts Goblin That Borders On Anti-Semitism
88. Left paddle from pong
89. Mario But With Pancake Nipples
90. Unsold DVDs of the movie Pixels
91. The physical manifestation of the three-fifths compromise
92. Joe Valentino From Great Neck Nissan
93. Mike Ditka
94. Eddie Murphy
95. Eric Garland (final smash: Game Theory)
96. Pinky and the brain
97. Vectorman
98. Steve Buscemi
99. Jean Claude Van Damme’s Character From Bloodsport
100. Vice Reporter
101. Bob from Reboot
102. Wario without a skeleton
103. The 1989 New York Knicks
104. Zelda (the boy)
105. The White Guy In The Roots
106. Bananaman
107. Vacation Jason
108. Some Minor Character From Final Fantasy That Everyone Fuckin Loves For No Reason
109. Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism
110. The Boss Baby
111. The Paperclip From MS Word
112. Yung Linc
113. The General from those insurance commercials
114. The Baby Dinosaur From the Show Dinosaurs
115. Bob Ross’ 2″ Blender Brush
116. Goku
117. Master hand’s wacky cousin crazy foot
118. A Child Soldier (sad, right?)
119. The hand coming out of the toilet that needs toilet paper in Majoras Mask
120. might as well include van hammersly while we’re at it
121. The “do not blow” warning on the cartridge
122. Fleeting Happiness
123. Goku
124. Tetris Blocks
125. Afroman
126. Fox
127. Angry Sun from World 2 Desert in Super Mario Bros. 3
128. A fidget spinner
129. A Five String Fretless Bass
130. Ben Carson during REM sleep
131. Stephen King When He Was Addicted To Cocaine
132. Ridley
133. GAME GENIE
134. The entire polyphonic spree
135. Arwing That Just Keeps Doing A Barrel Roll
136. Rick & Morty From Rick & Morty
137. Whatever is Making That Weird Noise When You Hold Z as You Start Up Your Gamecube
138. A random baby
139. Lou Albano Mario
140. The housekeeper that always has to vacuum right in front of the TV while we’re playing
141. Kevin Smith in an ill fitting batman suit
142. Spock
143. Cooking Dada (alt costume for Cooking Mama)
144. Dad’s character stuck in a corner
145. Sean Penn
146. The Front Bottoms
147. Megan Fox’s Thumbs
148. Ruth Bader Ginsberg
149. The biggest, blackest dick
150. Seth McFarlane (skin for Todd McFarlane)
151. Robert Mueller
152. No Items
153. Lootbox
154. Splatoon
155. A Guy On a Segway
156. Brian Deegan
157. Broodals
158. Dune Sandworm (assist trophy)
159. Serpico
160. Only one ice climber
161. Yoshi
162. Andross’s Brain
163. Goku
164. Mary Sue
165. Dan Harmon
166. Arthur from the movie Arthur starring Dudley Moore
167. Pontius Pilate
168. Norm Abram of The New Yankee Workshop
169. Marc Maron (his moves are all just talking at you before you get a chance to do anything)
170. Clippy
171. Alt: Mario’s Mushroom Dealer
172. Kirk Van Houten’s representation of Dignity
173. Biker Mice From Mars
174. A Dusty Rock Band Drum Set
175. Goth from the Goth Rave Video
176. Wakko from Final Fantasy X
177. Phil Spencer in a blazer
178. Steven Tyler circa Permanent Vacation
179. Dr. McStuffins
180. My Uncle Who Works For Nintendo
181. Lorne Michaels
182. Wiimote
183. Anne Coulter’s Conscience
184. Maynard James Keenan
185. Friend’s N64 controller that’s sticky and you’re not sure why
186. Potsy from Happy Days
187. Jon Bon Jovi
188. Florida Man
189. Detective Pikachu With Danny Devito’s Voice
190. Not Goku
191. Dennis from It’s Always Sunny
192. Sakurai
193. Christopher Plummer
194. Tim The Toolman Taylor
195. Sex Fox (Robin Hood but we just call him sex fox)
196. John Waters
197. Bob the Tomato
198. Bayonetta, but it’s a person covered in bayonettes
199. The Kenyan Gundam from G Gundam
200. Berenstain Bears
201. Nick Rutherford from Good Neighbor Stuff a.k.a. the one who didn’t get on SNL
202. Jared Before The Weight Loss But After The Pedophilia
203. Stalin in a Mario Outfit
204. Archivist Toadette
205. Invisible John Cena
206. MechaSheeva
207. 7/8 Nurse Joys
208. Goku
209. Some fine people on both sides
210. Louis Farrakhan
211. The /r/gaming Reddit Mod
212. A Cease and Desist Order From The Makers Of Tekken
213. A Monster from an Alesana or Bring Me the Horizon or whatever Shirt
214. A Baseball Player from the Baseball Episode of Samurai Champloo
215. Goku
216. The Justice League Snyder Cut
217. Kevin Nealon
218. Katt, the hot girl fox from Starfox 64
219. The Cast of Hamilton
220. IT
221. The Prophet Muhammad
222. The Avatar of Empty Nostalgia
223. The Realization That Your Parents Have Had Sex Before and They Could Be Doing It Right Now
224. RL Stine
225. Dan Hibiki
226. Nude Waluigi Wearing Only Sunglasses
227. The Noid
228. Emma Goldman in a mech suit
229. The Song “Accidental Racist”
230. Kramer
231. Bubsy
232. John Madden
233. Lawrence Krauss
234. Terry Gross
235. S-tier Pichu
236. Dana/Zuul
237. That fuckable rabbit from Space Jam
238. Eater X
239. Paul Blart
240. Sora
241. Modern Metallica
242. 2 Suit Samus
243. Henry Rollins from the Def Jam video game
244. Goku
245. The Cast Of Pawn Stars
246. Goku
247. Bowser and Peach’s Horrific Love Child
248. Pepsiman
249. Temba, his arms wide
250. A refurbished Wii U
251. Young Sheldon
252. Blue from blues clues
253. The Ever-Changing Concept of American Whiteness
254. Goku
255. Action Bronson
256. Scorpius from Farscape
257. Masturbating Louis CK
258. Todd Mcfarlane
259. George Lucas
260. Manic Charlie Sheen
261. A BOSS Metal Zone
262. Ice climbers fused with pichu
263. Spike from Cowboy Bebop
264. Every Wu-Tang Clan Member Except U-God
265. Due Process
266. American Badass Undertaker
267. Agumon
268. Reba as Colonel Sanders
269. Master Chief
270. Mario Lopez
271. Fat Bam Margera
272. Parker from Gold Rush Alaska
273. Helen from HR
274. Goku
275. Executive Producer Dick Wolf
276. Carey Elwes ‘The Claw’ from Liar Liar the Jim Carrey Movie
277. Paul Ryan’s Spine
278. Goomba Who Has Been Training All His Life To Avenge His Squished Parents
279. Drunk Tony Stark
280. Elliott Ness
281. Scott Ian
282. Michael Vick
283. Farm Raised Pikachu
284. HR Giger
285. Porgs
286. Dante and Randall
287. Goku
288. The Last Samurai
289. The FBI
290. Goku
291. Flavor Flav’s Clock
292. The Pod Save America Crew
293. The Italian Aliens from Star Wars The Last Jedi
294. Tom Holland Spider-Man
295. Goku
296. Abobo
297. Jill Stein
298. Vince McMahon
299. An Inanimate, Empty Tanooki Suit
300. John Carpenter
301. Waluigi’s Foreskin
302. Death Grips
303. Wakka
304. Mansplainer
305. Mario on Wrong Kind of Mushrooms
306. Chicago Police Officer’s Mustache
307. Michael Jordan
308. The Dude Who Milks The Cow in the 1 2 Switch commercial
309. My Waifu
310. Loot Boxes
311. the personification of your uncle’s racist anti-Obama rant
312. Time’s Person of The Year: You
313. Mario, But After He Divorces Princess Peach And Gains 30 Pounds
314. Common
315. Naked Raiden from MGS
316. Ernest P Worrell
317. Young Shia LeBeouf
318. Missingno
319. Violent J
320. Lionel Hutz
321. Biggie
322. Ghost Pepper Hot Wings
323. King Eeeeee
324. Paul Rudd in that Nintendo commercial
325. Ayatollah Khomeini
326. Garfunkle
327. Goku
328. Billy Mitchell
329. The Beastie Boys
330. Anita Sarkeesian
331. Edd, but not Ed or Eddy
332. The pinching your face guy from Kids In The Hall
333. Nintendog the Bounty Hunter
334. Goku
335. Dave, but his mom grounded him from video games for a month
336. Cooking Mama
337. Shia LeBoef
338. Leisure Suit Larry
339. Goku
340. Steven
341. Hard Tim
342. Fred Durst with red hat!
343. The Broken iPod I’m Too Nostalgic To Get Rid Of
344. Seasonal Affective Disorder
345. The Demiurge
346. Tupac Hologram
347. Metal King Dedede
348. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
349. Odysseus
350. Fabio when a bird died on his face
351. Watto and Jar Jar (Plays Like The Ice Climbers)
352. Crying Jimmy Kimmel
353. The Nasonex Bee
354. Racist Black Caricatures That Japanese People Don’t Realize are Super Offensive
355. Dinkie Dino (Mom bought instead of Tamagotchi)
356. Silk Button-Up Shirt Of Anime Character
357. Goku
358. Barron Trump
359. Goku
360. PUP
361. Goku
362. The old racist Jynx
363. Tomi Lahren
364. Member Berries
365. Beat Takeshi
366. Nude code Lara Croft
367. A Rabid Nintendog
368. 90s Kid
369. Jew
370. Cappy
371. Slender Man (Obese Version)
372. Gordon Ramsey
373. Mikey Erg
374. Kylo Ren including nipples
375. WrestleMania 2000 Steve Blackman
376. Tuxedo Mask
377. Boner from Growing Pains
378. Gallagher (King Dedede alternate costume)
379. The Teacher You Accidentally Called Mom in Third Grade
380. Bob Villa
381. Quentin Tarantino’s Character ‘Jimmy’ from Pump Fiction
382. Hallucinogen Dealer Who Hangs out at the Same Coffee Shop as All Your Town’s Teens
383. Bob Hoskins Samus
384. Only 90s Kids
385. Malcolm Gladwell (unlocked after 10,000 hours of gameplay)
386. Literally every Pokemon ever
387. Trump’s twitter password
388. The Duplass Brothers
389. Any Of The Well-Received Minority Superheroes Released By Marvel
390. Pregnant Luigi
391. The Coach from Punchout
392. Kirby But With Asthma
393. The 3rd, 7th, and 10th Doctor Who
394. Darth Insanius
395. Animal Crossing’s Serial Public Masturbator
396. Mac Tonight
397. Tommy Wiseau
398. Yoshi Getting Punched in the Head by Mario
399. Slavoj Žižek
400. Mel Gibson before all that
401. Darth Icky
402. Lando Calrissian
403. Charles Nelson Riley
404. Dr. Zaius
405. Hard Times Managing Editor Bill Conway
406. Del Close
407. Raspberry Pi Emulator Running SNES Games
408. Bowser’s Contractor
409. Jonah Ryan
410. Pizza Rat
411. Cake Boss
412. Breath of the Wild Link
413. Chris Gaines
414. The whole team from Major League 2
415. Wawaluigi
416. Doom Guy
417. A bucket of human teeth
418. Red
419. Blood Falcon
420. Wilson from Castaway
421. Checkered Vans from Middle School
422. Tobias Funke
423. Tim Armstrong
424. Embarrassing Walk-to-Work Sweat
425. The Property Brothers
426. Ms. Carpal tunnel
427. Jeff Rosenstock
428. Goku
429. Laughing Alexa
430. Rain Man
431. A Large, Silent, Orange
432. Goku
433. Mew One-and-a-Half
434. Jenny Lewis reprising her role from The Wizard
435. Crazy Hand
436. Anthony “Sully” Sullivan
437. North Korea (new stage)
438. All the girls from Mambo #5
439. Stanley Ipkiss
440. John Legiuzamo’s Character from “The Pest”
441. A room temperature glass of tap water
442. Pac-Man but as a Mii
443. Mark Zuckerberg
444. The kid banished to Hell at the end of the Crossfire commercial
445. Glenn Danzig
446. Collin Kaepernick Kneeling for the National Anthem
447. A Stale End Piece of Bread That No One Wants to Eat
448. Mario’s mustache
449. Mario in that green boot from Mario 3
450. Ike Eisenhower
451. King Bob-omb
452. Emotional labor
453. Max Headroom
454. Goku
455. Dwight Schrute
456. Mario
457. Toad’s Hat and You Can’t Convince Me Otherwise
458. OB/GYN Mario
459. Dale Gribble with Pocket Sand
460. Birdo
461. The Creeping Realisation That Your Parents Will Eventually Die
462. Elon Musk
463. Madcatz Controller
464. An AR-15 assault rifle
465. Pickle Rick
466. Shitty Roommate
467. Mr Game and Watch
468. Oddjob
469. Goku
470. Corpse of Billy Mays
471. Shigeru Miyamotos Niece
472. The Corpse Of Glass Joe
473. [Ice Climbers confirmed NOT in Smash 5]
474. CATS From All Your Base Are Belong To Us! LOL, Remember That?!
475. Unconditional Love
476. A horse
477. Donkey Lips From Salute Your Shorts
478. Goku
479. Pablo Sanchez
480. Goku
481. Tails
482. Wayne Brady
483. Union Scab
484. Captain Falcon
485. The turtle from Zelda but with Mitch McConnel’s head
486. The Next Cloverfield Movie
487. Middle Schooler in a Naruto Sand Village Headband
488. Swedish Chef
489. Tupac
490. The Receipt You Never Found to Return That N64DD
491. Acid Reflux
492. Ganondorf but like similar to the way he is in the fucking Zelda series
493. Seven Fire Emblem Reskins
494. “Slow Hand” Eric Clapton
495. Sonic OC
496. Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray
497. Entire Lineup of LA Kings From NHL ’95 For The Sega Genesis
498. A Guy With Three Hands Holding an N64 Controller
499. The Next Porn Star Who Tries To Become A Mainstream Actress
500. George Soros
501. Jazz Hand
502. Gratuitous Girl In A Thong
503. My Dad
504. Spumpy
505. Musical Guest Janelle Monae
506. Brian Michael Bendis
507. Arthur from the cartoon Arthur
508. Those Creatures That Look Like Dicks You Made In Spore
509. Hypothermic Ice Climbers
510. A Virtual Boy
511. Shovel Knight
512. Mama Luigi
513. Fi
514. Flex Armstrong
515. Toon Snake
516. Crystal Clear Pepsi
517. June 1998 Copy of Nintendo Power
518. Uwe boll looking for a new movie idea
519. NRA Spokeswoman Dana Loesch
520. Wii Fit Slacker
521. Larry the Cucumber
522. Calvin Peeing on SEGA
523. The band Save Ferris
524. Fine, Sub-Zero, Stop E-mailing Us
525. Dwayne Hector Elizando Mountain Dew Camacho
526. Zergling
527. Rupert Murdoch
528. A NYPD Officer who nods at you when he sees your Cro Mags shirt
529. Garth Brooks & Chris Gaines
530. Internet Communist
531. Captain Clickbait
532. Fortnite
533. Lucina (Marth skin)
534. Jared Leto’s Joker
535. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration
536. All the sexy hedgehog drawings from Deviant Art
537. EA’s Integrity
538. Dr Cube from Kaiju Big Battel
539. Bobby Flay
540. Michael Cera as Player X (alt skin: Tobey Maguire)
541. The Underwear Model From A Kohl’s Ad
542. That Guy At Your Local Restaurant That Says “The Usual?” When You Come In
543. The Dam Level From Ninja Turtles
544. Pregnant DeviantArt Sonic
545. Mecha King Ghidorah
546. X-Man
547. Raekwon the Master Chef Jr.
548. A misunderstood nazi
549. Samuel L. Jackson Screaming
550. Sonichu
551. Jake Lloyd (young anakin skywalker)
552. Rash from Battletoads
553. K̶e̶v̶i̶n̶ ̶S̶p̶a̶c̶e̶y̶ Christopher Plummer again
554. Mom’s Spaghetti
555. George W Bush from “Bush Shootout” (George W Bush skin)
556. Method Man
557. The Crash Bandicoot suit guy from the Pizza Hut commercials
558. The ghost of Roger Ebert, who still insists video games aren’t art
559. Norman Reedus
560. Puff Daddy
561. Goku
562. Vegan Bowser
563. That Kid That Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man Make After They Fuck Each Other
564. Green Boots (Dead Body On Everest)
565. The old man from Zelda
566. Waluigi
567. Bizmarckie
568. Blink-182 Era Matt Skiba
569. Logan Paul
570. Rocky Balboa
571. The Pixelated Penis In Japanese Porn
572. Uganda knuckles
573. Dr. Robotnik (replacing Dr. Mario)
574. Joey from Joey’s World Tour
575. Ernest from the Ernest movies
576. The Racist Guy In the Movie “42”
577. The Poems from doki doki
578. Buzz Lightyear
579. Drunken Step-Father
580. Alt-Right Wario
581. That Orca Character From Street Sharks
582. The 1972 New York Yankees
583. Ted Cruz With That Gun That Cooked Bacon
584. The Merchant from Resident Evil 4
585. Fat Suit Weird Al
586. Goku
587. Saibamen
588. Divorced Ice Climbers
589. Cap’n Crunch
590. My Older Brother Who Will Totally Kick Your Ass!
591. Ziggy from The Wire
592. Koji Kondo
593. The all new 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee
594. Misfits-Era Glenn Danzig
595. Nizoral anti-dandruff fungus targeting shampoo
596. Stan from Eminem’s “Stan”
597. The Pizza Delivery Guy Who Doesn’t Judge
598. Mike Myers and Kanye West
599. 501st Legion Clone Trooper
600. Nerfed Pichu
601. Midlife Crisis Mario
602. The Verizon commercial guy who now works for Sprint or something
603. Kung Lao but with Cappy
604. Felix Biederman from Chapo Trap House
605. The C Stick
606. Mayor McCheese
607. Ol’ Dirty Bastard (as Big Baby Jesus)
608. Ajit Pai
609. Chad Kroeger (his super smash summons Scott Stapp)
610. Alan Thompson Jr. from the Whole Foods Front Register in White Plains, New York
611. A Catcalling Construction Worker
612. Lizard Person (skin for Barack Obama)
613. Black Panther and if you don’t pick him we’re telling everyone you didn’t like Black Panther
614. Jack Black
615. Aunt Beru
616. That one guy who still talks about gamergate
617. Solid Snake’s Cardboard Box with a Labo Logo
618. Bob Hoskins Mario
619. Polybius Arcade Cabinet
620. Nora Roberts
621. Shrek
622. Duke Nukem
623. Arthur from the movie Arthur starring Russell Brand
624. Gandhi
625. Bill Maher Just Alternating Between Saying “Invisible Man In The Sky” and “The N-Word”
626. FBI Agent Michael Scarn
627. Tony Soprano
628. An original press Project X Straight Edge Revenge
629. Siri
630. Navi
631. Illegitimate Bowser Jr.
632. Nintendog
633. Freddy Krueger but when he’s the giant snake thing in Dream Warriors
634. Henry Winkler
635. Master Chef
636. Palette-swapped Clones of All of the Above
637. 75 Interchangeable Fire Emblem Characters
638. King K Rool
639. Lanky Kong
640. The 7 Up Dot
641. Joe Camel
642. Punxatony Phil

Article by Hard Drive staff @HardDriveMag

Hard Drive is the most ethical gaming journalism on the internet. Follow us on Facebook to keep up.

The post I Will Not Play the New Smash Bros Unless it Includes All 642 of These Characters
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PHILADELPHIA — A long-winded and confusing rant last night about gender identity by legendary hardcore frontman Bobbie Bryant was likely meant to be positive, despite missing the mark every single time, according to confused witnesses.

“When I first heard Bryant’s old band Straw Grasper was playing shows again, I knew I needed to see them… but they were definitely trying too hard to be ‘woke’ or something. It ended up being pretty problematic,” said longtime fan Riley Hunt. “Bobbie went on this rant about how caring which bathrooms ‘he/she wants to take a dump in’ is what’s actually ‘wicked gay.’ I mean, I feel like he’s trying to get it, but at the same time, is pretty awful. Just, as a person.”

Witnesses admitted they were put off by multiple tirades between songs — all of which kept going back to the same subject.

“He didn’t bring up trans people just once. It was, like, six or seven times in the course of a 25-minute set,” said bartender Howard Cruz. “He seemed really intent on explaining that trans people aren’t trying to trick us into having sex with them… which, yeah. We all know that. A couple of people booed and left after that, and the rest mostly just started filming the whole thing on their phones.”

Related:

• Frontman’s Perfectly Nonsensical Political Rant Ruined by Short Bursts of Music
• Hardcore Frontman Passionately Takes Whatever the Correct Position on Syria Is
• No One of Any Gender Identity Wants to Use Venue Bathroom

After the set, an impassioned Bryant was quick to defend his diatribes.

“If you read any of the Straw Grasper lyrics I wrote since the ’80s, you’ll see we’re, like, the least homophobic band of all time. I mean, I own two Limp Wrist EPs, so that should tell you something,” said Bryant. “But I just wanted everyone out there to, like, know that whether you are — a he, a she, or some sort of hermaphrodite or something — it’s cool, because hardcore music gets that. Our scene is super accepting of everyone.”

At press time, no members of the LGBTQ community were available for comment due to a complete lack of interest in attending an event called “Beatdown Fest.”

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews. Photo by @SimplySenny.

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SAN ANTONIO — Local “good guy” and gun enthusiast Dean Hart admitted today that “constant” rejection and overwhelming loneliness has only increased his bitterness towards women, several long-winded social media posts confirmed.

“Girls always talk about how they want a nice guy, but anyone with half a brain knows that’s a damn lie,” Hart said, while cleaning a 9mm handgun at his kitchen table. “I’m the nicest guy there is… I mean, would a not-nice guy take care of six dogs and three tarantulas every day? Yeah, right. They all just want some dick that’s gonna treat them like dirt — every stupid one of them.”

Jana Stewart, a former girlfriend of Hart, explained why their relationship fizzled when reached for comment.

“We met in high school. He was sort of a shy guy, but opened up when you got to know him,” said Stewart, who has filed three restraining orders against her ex. “But that was sort of the problem — a lot of the stuff he was into was pretty dark.”

“He spent a lot of time on these weird message boards, and was always pointing out anything he thought proved the existence of the Illuminati,” she added. “Last I heard, he was really into cryptocurrency. Plus, his spiders were just creepy as fuck.”

Hart insisted it’s not his own shortcomings responsible for his lack of romantic prospects, but rather, a society that “brainwashed women into ignoring him.”

Related:

• Legendary Frontman Proudly Recites Age of Consent in All 50 States
• Five Inspiring Tech Entrepreneurs Who Will Be Hanged in the Revolution
• Nation Finally Comes Together to Ban Guns N’ Roses

“I’ve spent who-knows-how-long reading every book on dating that there is, so when they don’t return my Tinder messages, then, yeah, I get pissed off,” said Hart. “It takes a lot for me to work up the nerve to say, ‘Sup?’ to these women. I put myself out there, and they all just laugh at me. But that’s all gonna change soon.”

Despite numerous warning signs posted over his various forms of social media, local law enforcement officials confirmed plans to follow protocol and not intercede until Hart already put someone in immediate physical danger.

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AUSTIN, Texas — Recent transplant Andre Alvarado was reportedly unsure which merch table was socially acceptable to aimlessly stand by late last week while attending his first show in his new town, according to several eyewitness reports.

“This is everyone’s nightmare. Back in my home scene, I was one of the top dogs, but now I have to start all over,” said Alvarado, glancing at members of each table. “I sort of hope someone calls me over to hang out… but I don’t want it to be some shitty nü-metal band or a bunch of Easycore dweebs. I’m probably just gonna keep pretending to look at my phone for a little longer.”

Veterans of the Austin scene immediately noticed Alvarado looking for conversation at the mixed-bill show.

“He was holding a beer, so the straight edge kids at the ClearlyxStraight table definitely wanted nothing to do with him,” said Johan Brady of stoner-metal band Wake Apnea. “I gotta give him credit, though — he did the smart thing by walking right past the She-Bangers/Rusted Wrist table. Everyone in those bands has dated each other every which way, and they don’t really take kindly to strangers.”

“I still remember my first show here, though,” Brady added. “Thankfully, I wore a Mastodon shirt, and some older punks intercepted this shoegaze dork trying to entice me with free stickers. God, who knows where I’d be now if it weren’t for them.”

Related:

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Alvarado admitted that, because he isn’t the most outgoing person, his discomfort is only making him more tense and resistant to meeting strangers.

“It’s hard to go up to any table at all. Even those kids handing out pamphlets about veganism — I know they’d love to talk my ear off, but I just can’t bring myself to do it,” said Alvarado. “If this were back in my old scene, I could hang out at any table and people would just let me take some pins or a zine. But, here, I feel weird even looking at anyone without sticking a dollar in the merch table tip jar.”

Rather than face the embarrassment of hanging out at the wrong table, Alvarado allegedly ate a bag of Skittles and drank a beer alone in the bathroom before calling his mother and telling her that he hated Austin.

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews. Photo by Shelby Kettrick  @ShelbyShootsStuff.

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SAN FRANCISCO — Local three-legged dog Chester, recently adopted from a nearby no-kill shelter, will live out the rest of his days serving as a conversation starter for local bachelor Kelvin Green, sources close to the pair confirm.

“When I saw Chester at the pound, I knew I had to have him right away,” said Green, watching his new dog play in Duboce Park. “He looked up at me with these big, soulful brown eyes; a smile as wide as the Grand Canyon; and he had only three legs — which I knew would make for an ass magnet that’ll guarantee me a one-way ticket to Fuck Town every motherfucking day.”

Despite Green’s countless attempts at connecting with women over the years, he claimed that none have been nearly as effective as simply walking Chester down the street for “literally, like, five minutes. It’s insane.”

“I used to do the online dating thing, but with Chester, all I need to do is walk a few blocks and I talk to at least 10 women, guaranteed,” said Green. “I’ve only had him for two days, and I already have over a dozen dates lined up. They’re always like, ‘Aww, he’s so cute,’ and, ‘Look at the little tripod,’ but if I tell them I brought him back with me from Iraq, it’s game over. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t have a fucked-up dog.”

Related:

• Dog Wearing Misfits Bandana Can’t Even Name Three of Their Songs
• Dog At Basement Show Stealing Attention Away From Bands
• Train-hopping Punk Bit By Travel Bug, Actual Bugs, Dog

For his part, Chester is almost entirely oblivious to his role in Green’s ploy to rope in women.

“Kelvin is great — he’s way better than the pound, and he can throw a ball so, so far,” Chester said. “I don’t know why he says he loses me so much, but luckily, there’s always some nice ladies who help him find me, even though I’m right here. I love Kelvin!”

With Chester’s success, Green is additionally looking for a blind dog to walk with Chester, as well as a cat that uses a wheelchair, all in the hopes of filling in any remaining gaps in Green’s vacant personality.

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews.

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Hard Times investigates an age-old question: What was the world’s first meme? And what did Billy Idol have to do with it?

To see the meme in person, check out Welcome to Rockville, which is April 27-29 in Jacksonville, Florida.

The post Investigation: Did Billy Idol Fans Create The World’s First Meme? appeared first on The Hard Times.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
As an Aries, it’s no secret that you can be a giant diva from time to time… and you know what? Fuck yeah! Take time this week to make sure everyone knows YOU have that Fire energy, and that YOU are in control. Don’t stop at just re-recording all your band’s guitar parts — rename the whole goddamn band!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
More than likely, there’s someone in your inner circle trying to get closer to you. It may be a potential partner… but, more plausibly, it’s that asshole in the cut-offs trying to crowd-kill in the pit. Be confident in yourself, and you’ll be able to shove a full-grown man until he saunters over to the other side of the crowd with no problem.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The stars predict good fortune for you this month, Gemini! A windfall of drink tickets is coming your way — just don’t let it go to your head!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Resources will be extra tight this week, Cancer: the usual chips and salsa you earn at regular gigs may be cut back. But, it’s not all looking gloomy — you’ll find a truck stop with free plastic spoons around the 17th to shovel some extra salsa straight into your mouth.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Is your natural wanderlust pulling you back out onto the road? Did your last tour lose so much money, you don’t know if you could survive another hit? Fear not, Leo — your girlfriend makes good money at the museum, and she’d love to front the cash needed to get you and the boys to Duluth! I mean, who else is gonna show those kids your innovative blend of hardcore and straight edge hardcore?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It’s time to treat yourself, dependable Virgo. Last week’s bender does NOT mean you need to go straight edge to redeem yourself. Keep the party rolling, and don’t pay any attention to those Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlets that keep mysteriously showing up under your bedroom door. They probably keep ending up there by accident, anyway.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
As a Libra, you have a passion for art and culture… so stop hiding it! Share it with the world by loudly letting everyone around you know exactly how much you think the band currently on stage “fucking sucks.”

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Hate to say it, Scorpio, but we’ve been talking, and… well, you’ve been kind of a dick lately. Even that shitty promoter no one can stand agrees. So while the new moon next week will affect you in a major way, we won’t waste our breath, because we know you won’t take whatever advice we have for you anyway.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
This is a good day to color outside the lines, Sagittarius! Pair a bullet belt with some Hurley board shorts — who gives a fuck? Your creativity sector is lit up like a punk house on a bedbug registry, and the stars are screaming for you to innovate! The world has been waiting for a crust punk surfer, and you’re going to show them what they’ve been missing. Be careful not to fall in the water, though: bullet belts rust.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Capricorn symbol is the Mountain Goat… but you already knew that, didn’t you, you smartass? As a careful, introspective sign, it’s likely you’re also a fan of The Mountain Goats, but how would anyone know? It’s not like you’re constantly bringing it up or anything.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You’re probably pretty used to being the free-thinking, creative visionary who often doesn’t get the recognition they deserve… which is a good thing, because that’s exactly what will happen when you debut your fart-themed Cure parody band. Some day “Flatulation Street” will get the respect it’s due — just not in your lifetime.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Shoot for the stars this week, Pisces! Like, literally — you should actually attempt to assassinate as many punk legends as possible. Sure, Bill Stevenson never did nothin’ wrong to nobody, but think of the stories people would tell. Local legend status? Sealed!

Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, Chloe Connaughton, and Jeremy Hammond. 

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