HANSON, Mass. — Local punk Brandon Gardner will continue his annual Thanksgiving tradition of hiding from his family in his aunt’s garage, Gardner himself confirmed this morning.

A ritual Gardner started at the age of 12, the 27-year-old is working hard to keep the custom alive.

“Every year, this is the part of the holidays I look forward to most,” Gardner said of the five-hour-long ritual. “I’ll start with the looking-at-my-uncle’s-tools portion for 45 minutes, before moving on to the annual ‘re-reading of my cousin’s diary from when she was 10.’ Traditions are important, and I hope to pass this one down to my own kids once they start hating everyone someday.”

Gardner admitted that while he rarely sees his extended family, he continues the ritual for his own mental stability, which he insisted “wouldn’t be possible without them.”

“If I don’t find a good hiding spot early, I run the risk of uncle Jerry [McGee] talking at me about ‘my career choices’ for hours on end,” said Gardner. “A guy like him just can’t understand that my band is actually starting to really take off. We just self-released a new full length, and booked a weekend Canadian tour in December, but he’ll just lecture me on retirement plans, or health insurance, or some dumb shit.”

The act of hiding from family members during holiday functions is not unique to Gardner, according to sociologist Deborah Rawlings, who has studied the practice for years.

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“When a person from the ‘punk’ subculture is dropped into a ‘normal’ family setting, they’re often in an awkward position — either publicly by, for example, having to explain their facial tattoos, or privately, biting their tongue so hard during political discussions that they draw blood,” said Rawlings. “I’ve studied countless subjects who have hid in garages, but some will simply walk miles through suburban woods — or, in extreme cases, hide in a giant leaf pile for hours.”

Sources close to Gardner say the Thanksgiving gathering is expected to bring in family members from all over the state with their own holiday traditions.

“The McGee Turkey Bowl is the best backyard football game in all of Massachusetts,” said Gardner’s “kiss-ass fucking jock” little cousin, 13-year-old Tyson Landis. “We gather up everyone in the family, and Brandon gets burned by Grandpa every single year. Brandon sucks, and so does his band.”

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There are a lot of reasons why I don’t tell people I’m a squirter. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s not like I want everyone to know I’m a total gusher,so I keep it to myself.

Sometimes, when I tell people that I keep the fact that I slick the sheets like someone spilt a whole container of extra sticky olive oil a secret they ask, “why?” Well, there’s actually a lot of reasons to keep being the AR-15 equivalent of a water gun on the DL. Here are fifteen:

1. I don’t want everyone to know that I, Jessica Hampton, once had to empty out my shoes after my boyfriend made me cum while standing up. That’s my own personal business, and I don’t see why everyone would need to know.

2. Society has taught me from a young age that women who soak through the sheets and mattress, all the way onto the hardwood floor, are never treated with the dignity and respect we deserve.

3. My neighbors already know. I can just tell.

4. When I burst open the seal, and it’s like a newsreel clip of a dam being removed for environmental reasons, that is between me and my partner — no one else.

5. Because someone will make some ignorant, snide comment about how it’s “just pee.” Uh, no, it’s not. But I’m into that too, which isn’t something I would tell anyone.

6. When my man gets out the mop and bucket and winks at me I don’t need any of our roommates knowing what we are planning.

7. I will not be able to pass off my purchases of large, industrial sized plastic sheets as a part of an art project if I tell people that I’ve been using them due to the fact I’m a national park-level human gyser of female ejauclate.

8. What I do in the privacy of my damp, mold-infested bedroom is no one’s business.

9. My coworkers may begin to connect the dots regarding my need to drink 16 full bottles of water a day just to maintain a standard level of hydration.

10. If I told everyone that I am a really big squirter, they could look up pictures of my boyfriend and me on social media and just imagine me forcing him to gargle it like salt water after a dental surgery. Because that’s what I do.

11. It could affect my security deposit, for reasons that should be obvious by this point.

12. Whenever people find out that my friend Beth is a comedian, they always say, “tell me a joke!” I worry that people would do that with me, only with squirting.

13. “Modesty is the color of virtue” – Diogenes

14. I would no longer be able to get out of jury duty by masturbating and claiming my water broke.

15. My best friend growing up, Jean Thompson, told people that she was a squirter and it ruined her life. She had to move and change her name! It’s Jessica Fletch now and she lives in Greenpoint, North Carolina.

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Look, maybe I don’t dress like it anymore, or go to shows often (or ever), but that doesn’t mean I’m not punk anymore. I’m still more punk than you’ll ever be.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter if you’ve lost touch with almost every friend you made in the scene after a swift and brutal exiling. Same shit happened to me. But if you’re too punk for punk then whatever.

I’ve learned that punk isn’t just a mohawk, or studded jacket, or Skrewdriver’s earlier stuff — it’s something much more. It’s about what you feel inside, revolting against the powers that be, and Driver’s later stuff.

As soon as I joined the force I knew I had found my new punk crew. A bunch of guys, in the van/squad car, hanging out. The camaraderie, the fights, the cheap fast food. Someone steps to us up? We fuck them up. Hell, off the record, sometimes the dudes I roll with now kill people.

That’s what punk is all about.

Related: Aging Punk Looses Battle With Comfortable Clothes

Punk used to be about rebellion. Now it’s full of PC pussy cry babies who are worse with rules than the priest at my new church. Father David is fucking chill.

See, when I grew up, it used to be no rules. That’s what punk was about. There was no snitching. There was no crying foul. There was no disrespecting the legends. And if you broke any of those rules, we ran you the fuck out of the scene.

So take it from me: Punk isn’t just a costume, or culture, or even a way of life. It’s a thing that I get to say I am and fuck you if you disagree. Nobody can take that away from me. Not you, not the kids at this DIY show I’m about to go break up, not nobody.

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OK, White women besides me, we need to talk: you need to open your eyes and stop. Doing. These. Five. Things.

Full stop.

1. You need to stop bossing people around like you’re in charge. Like you’re above everyone and get to demand how people act. This. Needs. To. Stop.

2. You need to stop making everything about you. It’s not about you. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when you do that? Shut up! I’m talking. See, all you white women besides me need to listen instead of speak. Your people have been speaking for years. It’s time for someone else to call the shots, write the blogs, and be the voice we need.

3. Ya’ll need to stop appropriating other cultures fam.

Related: Exclusionary White Feminism: What It Is and How to Accuse Women You Don’t Like of It

4. Stop interjecting your views into discussions that aren’t about you. You’re crowding out other voices who are constantly struggling to be heard. There are women of color writers, community organizers, and musicians dying for the attention you receive. So if you’re a writer thinking about pitching a story on race relations, hold up. Let someone with lived experiences write it.

5. Educate yourself. It isn’t up to marginalized people to spend emotional labor on you, let you know when you’ve overstepped your bounds and spoken for them, or embarrassed yourself at a rally or in a major publication.

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Each year, thousands of criminals gather at New York Comic Con to steal the likenesses of characters they do not own. Our lawyers went undercover to serve these monsters DMCA takedown notices.

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Shocking revelation alert! Talking Dead guest, Melissa McBride, who plays The Walking Dead’s badass survive-at-any-costs mother figure “Carol,” reportedly stopped watching the show two seasons ago!

The post-apocalyptic zombie drama has been a huge hit for AMC, with the network doubling down on the massive fandom by airing a companion show “Talking Dead” starring Chris Hardwick. However, in a recent episode McBride seemed uninterested in Hardwick’s questions about Rick’s badass countdown before firing on Negan, or whether Maggie was ready for a leadership position.

“Honestly, once we got to the prison, it was kinda like ‘who cares?’” McBride explained to a stunned audience. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved the first season, but wasn’t there a whole season about me playing house somewhere or something? You remember that shit? No zombies or anything, just about me talking to little girls.”

“Filming this nonsense was hard enough, I’m not watching that shit,” she added.

Related: Punk Gives Haunted Walking Tours of Dead Scene

McBride was cast by original showrunner, Frank Darabont, who was unceremoniously let go during filming of the second season. Ever since, concerns among fans have arose, questioning her level of commitment towards the show.

“Maybe I’ll catch up if I get sick and spend a week in bed or something, but I’m not watching this thing live,” she said following the midseason finale.

After the somewhat awkward show, Hard Style caught up with host Chris Hardwick backstage to get his impression on McBride’s comments.

“I’m your host Chris Hardwick,” he repeated several times with an odd, robotic expression on his face. “I’m your host Chris Hardwick. I’m your host Chris Chris Chris Chris Hardwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk.”

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It looks like fans of brand synergy will have to wait quite a while for their dream film to see the light of day. An ex-girlfriend of comedian TJ Miller has recently stepped forward with accusations of abuse and assault, causing the cancellation of a number of projects involving Miller, including a terrible film adaptation of the Funko Pop dolls, probably.

Funko Pop, the doll company that reimagines fandom icons as pretty much the same infantilized person/thing every single time, was likely in the process of creating their own Lego/emoji style animated movie, we assume, and has halted production after allegations against their lead voice actor. Probably.

The film was set to be a “fish out of water” story about an Incredible Hulk Funko Pop doll that wants to be a chef, I bet. Further, the film was slated for its own cinematic universe, we assume, because of course it was.

Related: Here’s Everything Leaving Netflix This Month Due to Sexual Misconduct Allegations

The story would have almost certainly had Miller exchanging quips with a cast of lesser Saturday Night Live alumnus, an attractive woman, and Patrick Stewart, all of whom have likely distanced themselves so far from the project you can’t find even find any trace of this information online.

Though a director had not yet been attached to the project, rumors probably had it that Rich Moore, of Wreck-it Ralph acclaim, would sign on only to quit halfway through the project when the vice-like grip of ruthless capitalism choked the life out of any artistic vision he brought to the table.

This hypothetical movie’s cancellation is a crushing blow to fans of a cash grab disguised as art. However, we’re almost positive Colombia Pictures is greenlighting an animated film about bitcoins as we speak starring Chris Brown, because if there are two constants in Hollywood it’s destroying art to make a dollar and a casual attitude toward abuse.

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SALEM, Mass. — The parents of goth teenager Thomas Sullivan are uncertain how to properly stuff their son’s fishnet Christmas stocking, sources close to the family confirmed.

“Every year, we hang our stockings over the fireplace… but this year, Thomas didn’t want a standard red one. He insisted on using that weird piece of hosiery,” said the boy’s father, Doug Sullivan. “Everything I’ve put in there so far just falls out of the stupid holes. I was thinking of using a gym sock as a lining or something, but I don’t know.”

Elaine Sullivan, Thomas’ mother, shared her husband’s frustration when loading her own small gifts into the fishnet.

“I got him a pair of earbuds, a bag of caramel popcorn, and some Nerds Rope, but the weight of that was enough to stretch the stocking so much it touched the floor,” she said. “And with the fire going, it melted the fabric a little bit, so the whole house smelled like burning hair. Eventually, I just put everything I had for him in a shoebox next to the tree.”

The goth teen admitted he is not excited by his family’s holiday traditions.

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“I don’t care about this stupid holiday, it’s vapid consumerism, and any of the stupid gifts manufactured by children overseas. I’ve intentionally been bad this year because I actually want my parents to put coal in my stocking,” said Sullivan. “The blackness of the coal is the only thing that matches what I truly feel on the inside anyway.”

Christmas traditionalists criticized Sullivan’s unconventional stocking choice.

“I can tell you one thing — that absolutely would not fly in my house. Not no way, not no how,” said New Hampshire resident and grandfather of three Lee Wilkes. “The only stockings in my house are red, soft, and have some poofy white lining at the top with your name written with some sort of glitter gel. Not some namby-pamby fishnet bullshit that can’t even hold a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.”

At press time, Sullivan was seen with a slight glimmer of a smile after opening up a Christmas present of a Blu-Ray copy of the 1994 fantasy thriller, The Crow.

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Owning a home is an immense responsibility, especially in an economy still recovering from last decade’s housing market crash. As a homeowner myself, I can tell you there are a ton of challenges maintaining a home: from mortgage payments, to yard work and home improvements. But there’s some things you just can’t prepare for…

When international pop star and long-time Kanye West nemesis, Taylor Swift changed the privacy settings on her Instagram last week, it meant nothing to me. Not that I’m not a fan, of course. I personally believe she’s created some of the seminal pieces of pop culture this century, from her nostalgic 2015 album 1989 to her public clashes with rapper/producer Kanye West. It’s just that I already follow her on the social media platform so my access to her hasn’t changed a bit.

Related: It’s Time for Taylor Swift to Speak up About Racism and the Teeth I’ve Been Sending Her

But unfortunately for millions of homeowners who haven’t already followed the “Bad Blood” singer, the doors to Taylor’s world have been slammed shut. Whereas I can still “like” a recent photo of her onstage with her guitar staring out to a sea of screaming fans, but millions of less seasoned home owners failed to predict that the T-Swift Instagram bubble would eventually burst. Hard working Americans, wholesome, salt-of-the-earth people who saved their whole lives to afford a home are now left without the ability to comment “yaaass kween” on short snippets of a new song which may or may not reignite her longstanding feud with fellow superstar Kanye West.

Those Americans who worked long hours to put themselves in the position to purchase a home but were merely content with keeping up with Taylor’s exploits via Instagram’s “Explore” page won’t get to see exclusive images of Taylor behind the scenes at Saturday Night Live. Nor will these mortgage payers be able to speculate in the comment section of her photos whether or not a line from her new album was indeed a dig at the rapper behind such hits as “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” and “New Slaves”.

When I speak to some of the homeowners who now find themselves barred from Taylor’s photo hub, they feel unfairly targeted and marginalized by the megastar’s move. In their minds, a Taylor Swift could not exist without people like them, upstanding citizens who pay property taxes and admire her from afar. Like the bane of her existence, Yeezy, they feel that they, “made that b*tch famous”.

Do I sympathize? Sure, but I must admit it feels nice being on this side of the wall.

Article by Shawn Murray @Highbrowshawn

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Mark was one hell of a guy. He was the kind of guy you could come to in times of need, in times of celebration, or in times of sadness. The horrible thing about life is it always comes to an end — even one as bright and brilliant and young as Mark’s. But at least he died doing what I loved, and I’m sorry for pressuring him into it.

Mark never showed much of an interest in ice climbing. Which I found weird because he was supposed to be my best bro and it’s a great way to explore nature with your friends. Plus, he was already into surfing, which is similar enough for him to not bother taking an introductory course and jump right into frozen waterfall acsents with me, unless he was a total pussy.

You will be missed Mark.

Related:
PUNK’D! Ashton Kutcher Dead at 38

Everyone here knows that Mark was a wonderful friend, a loyal partner, and respected member of his community. And I’m sorry about pressuring him so hard into free soloing the tallest waterfall in the country.

But, in both a moral and very specifically legal sense, I think we can all agree I am without blame. God has a plan for all of us, and for Mark it was to prove he wasn’t a pussy by plummeting thousands of feet to his cold, icy death.

That reminds me of another story, just to show what kind of guy Mark was.

One time in college our frat had a huge party. Mark wasn’t into parties much. But there was one young woman, here with us today in the front pew, who he was into. Her name was Katie, and as much as he tried not to show it, I could tell this woman wasn’t just another college hook up for Mark, this one was different.

I told Mark that Katie would be at the party, and to go get the keg. Eager to please her, he headed off down old College Avenue to get the party a keg. It took him forever, honestly. Classic Mark. So I had to entertain his guest while he was gone.

Katie and I have three beautiful children now, and I know Mark is up in heaven, all of his limbs back in the right anatomical positions, smiling down on us as we try for our fourth.

RIP, Mark. We all love you.

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WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local punk band The Gutter Owls were forced to push their New Year’s Eve headlining set from 11:59 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. due to mechanical and technical issues, several annoyed witnesses confirmed.

“We had it all planned out — we were gonna do the countdown to midnight, and then just blast right into our set and have everyone lose their fucking minds,” said drummer Clive Mixon. “But some dumbass spilled beer on the PA and fried the thing, so we had to wait for our merch guy to run to his place and grab a new one.”

Witnesses report fans grew increasingly restless as midnight approached.

“OK, this is exactly why I tell bands that when they play on New Year’s, they should start at 11:30 — that way, you have some wiggle room,” said scene legend Darryl Connover. “Now we’re gonna have to act like a bunch of goddamn posers ringing in 2018 after it’s already 2018, and… I don’t know. That just doesn’t sit right with me.”

Some fans were reportedly shut down for attempting the countdown before the band was ready to play.

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“When it was obvious they were gonna start late, a couple of us started singing that New Years song. What the fuck is that song called?” said Cheryl Crain. “Anyway, Froggy [Steve Fordham] ran over all serious, and told us to ‘cut the shit and wait for the band to count us down’ like, immediately. What a dick.”

She later added, “I could’ve gone to this awesome party in the city with a view of the fireworks, but I guess I can watch it on Instagram while I’m waiting at this freezing-ass basement show in Westchester instead.”

Following their set, The Gutter Owl’s announced their “Valentine’s Day Massacre” show, originally scheduled for February 14th, would unfortunately be delayed until March 22nd.

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In a land decimated by civil war, terrorism, and violence, Syrian musicians have persevered through hell on earth. Thanks to the internet we can finally hear some of the region’s creative fruits, such as prog metal outfit Bloodshitter. Unfortunately, I’m a music critic first and a sympathizer second. Swing and a miss.

Comprising three childhood friends in the city of Homs, Bloodshitter has been churning out downtuned riffs and proggy song structures that laugh in the face of ISIS while simultaneously groveling at the feet of Mastodon.

Does Syria even have Spotify? I understand if Bloodshitter can’t afford a premium subscription, but even the free radio option would provide a few more diverse ideas than copying riffs almost note-for-note from Mastodon’s 2011 release “The Hunter.” Couldn’t they at least lean on the superior “Leviathan” if they’re going to stick so closely to the source material?

Rhythm guitarist and vocalist, Nazim al-Hafiz not only cops the distinctive lead runs of Brent Hinds, he manages to also jack Hinds’ live singing inaccuracies. It sounds like they used the first take on every track of every song. I understand that the government and regional stability was crumbling around them, but is that reason enough to release a rushed project?

Related: My Independent Coffee Shop Welcomes All Refugees That Can Afford a Six Dollar Latte

Finally, we get to the production. There is absolutely no dynamic range on the album whatsoever, it is a brick wall of static, and not in a cute Darkthrone lo-fi way. No, it sounds like a majority of the vocal tracks were recorded through walkie-talkies. According to the band’s bio, they were, in fact, forced to use walkie-talkies to record, but that’s besides the point. I hope the UN eventually prioritizes getting a mastering engineer into the country.

While I’m glad that Bloodshitter are apparently safe and able to play music they love, I can’t recommend this album to anyone in good faith. They should be thankful they didn’t find a copy of “And Justice For All…” to mimic or Lars Ulrich would probably sue their asses today.

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ATLANTA — Matt Goldberg, 27, has used Twitter, Steam reviews, and several other online platforms to advocate for a new feature in PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds: a removal of any sort of logging of his hours playing the game.

“Please, I’ve been telling people I’m busy,” Goldberg wrote in one forum. “But if they found out I’ve instead spent the equivalent of 26.6667 days worth of free time to run around a buggy island, they are going to stage an intervention.”

“Sometimes the motorcycle just flips back over too quick and kills you while riding it. What am I doing with my life?” Goldberg said.

Read More From Hard Drive, The Only Ethical Gaming Journalism Site on The Internet:

• Elon Musk Unveils Supercomputer Capable of Simulating Entire Universe or Running PUBG on Medium Graphics
• PlayerUnknown Joins 25th Season of Dancing with the Stars
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Goldberg, who has reportedly given up any hope that the game will one day represent a polished title, just wishes Steam didn’t remind him he has spent almost a month of real life time running around a Russian-themed island

“640 hours? What is that? Like, one day of real life time losing loot via dropping it on the stairs, and another day of just being automatically booted out of the airplane to the title screen. Will the only impact I make on the planet be the 6 foot deep hole they dig to place my worthless body in?” added Goldberg.

“I told a friend I was too busy to hang out this weekend, but based on the math PUBG unfortunately provided me, I’ve spent the equivalent of several real-life weekends camping out on a digital bridge,” he said.

“Honestly most the time no one even comes — they just take boats. I am going to be missed by no one.”

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My Girlfriend keeps talking about The Cramps but can’t even name a song of theirs.

It’s cute, really, but I’m just not sure about her dedication to this relationship if she’s not even going to learn what she’s talking about.
It’s like once a month or so she’ll sit around crying and say stupid shit like, “Oh my God, I can’t stand The Cramps” or, “The Cramps suck so bad, you just wouldn’t get it.” And yeah, I don’t get it, because The Cramps rule and this bitch is a poser. Once I asked her if it’s because “Can Your Pussy Do the Dog?” comes off as offensive or something and she just looked confused. Seriously? You don’t even know THAT song?

I wish that was the only time but this is a constant and repeating thing. I’m honestly sick and tired of this behavior. If the punkest thing about her is that she is dating me, then this is not going to work. A few months ago, on the way to her sister’s wedding she kept talking about “The Ceremony,” everyone knows it’s just “Ceremony”.

Related: We Asked 7 People Who Aren’t Women How To Get More Women Involved in Punk

Look, I understand that I’m always going to be the better half of any relationship. I’m only 28 and have an ’89 Honda Accord that starts almost every time. I also got this sweet spot in the basement of my dad’s place, which is always clean because he has a maid that comes three times a week. That’s almost as often as maids clean hotels, so I guess you could say everyday is like a vacation with me. I’m also pretty damn thoughtful. I buy ribbed condoms, I barely flirt in front of her, and whenever she needs a ride or something I always have a pretty good excuse for not doing it.
To top it all off, she’s thanked in the liner notes of the demo of every band I’m in. For those keeping count, that’s two bands.

Clearly, I’m a caring partner and all I’m just asking is that my girlfriend at least learns stuff about these bands. I do it because I care and I want to see her be better than she is. I’ve always been told to never fall in love with a person’s potential but this girl can be perfect once she just listens to every band I do. I just hope she reaches that potential before she turns 18 next month.

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OAKLAND — Blackened crust band DEATH BIRD has penned an extensive, preemptive apology note to their community before writing any music, dismissive sources confirmed today.

“First and foremost, we’d like to apologize for our innately racist perspectives and lifestyles outside of this band,” the letter began. “We admit to, and promise to no longer engage in, various appropriative activities that erase members of this community, including, but not limited to, buying tickets to Boo! A Madea Halloween. We hear you, and we are sorry.”

The band went on to apologize for not being female-fronted, a “feature they tried really hard to make happen,” but couldn’t when no women agreed to spend time with them in any capacity — and included an apology for their anticipated sexual experiences.

“Dave [Parker] is likely the most heteronormative of the bunch, and intends to have meaningful, consenting, one-night relationships each and every night if we end up touring, and he is already sorry,” the letter read. “So sorry.”

In addition to the 3,500-word apology note, the band is also allegedly discussing which influences to mix into their art.

Related:

• Drummer Keeps Breaking Up with Band for the Make-Up Practice
• Internet Punk Calls Himself Out Just to Be Safe
• Pressure of Weekly Practice Becoming Too Much for Unemployed 16-Year-Old Bassist

“Roger is more a fan of ’80s self-loathing, which mixes well with our bass player Boyd’s more modern sense of guilt. On drums, I think I bring a certain unique sense of shame and culpability to the group,” drummer Sam Figueiredo said.

The band’s singer, James Cannon, agreed.

“Looking in the mirror and seeing the white male gaze look back at me every day is horrifying — we need to include that in there,” Cannon said. “Honestly, I hope I’m the last white male frontman in the history of music.”

UPDATE: Upon the completion of their first practice, DEATH BIRD has kicked out guitarist David Parker. If you want to know why, the band asks that you “please reach out privately. This is important, and we want to have a conversation with the community about it.”

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews. Photo by Shelby Kettrick  @ShelbyShootsStuff.

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OAKLAND — A first date at a crowded DIY basement show is going about “as good as one would expect,” witnesses close to the tentative couple confirmed.

Elise Shepard, who met her date, Mark Lawson, in an Intro to Anthropology class, allegedly had little understanding of what she agreed to attend.

“I thought it’d be cool to see him play — I just didn’t know it was going to be in an unfinished basement,” she said after realizing that Cocker Strangler, Alt-Tight, and three other grindcore bands still had to play before Lawson’s band played. “It feels like there might be a lot of black mold down here… my throat is suddenly really scratchy, and I’m wheezing more than I would have hoped on a first date.”

Shepard confirmed a 10-on-1 fist fight inside the damp, crowded basement didn’t help.

“Most of the fighting was in the corner I stood in while texting my friend to come pick me up,” said Shepard. “I only cut my shoulder a little on a loose nail in the wall, though, so I guess it could be worse.”

Lawson admitted the basement show was a poorly conceived compatibility test.

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“Yo, if she’s gonna hang, she has to hang,” Lawson said. “At least no one puked on her. Oh, wait — someone did puke on her, but it only got on her shoes and most of her pants. That will, like, come out in the shower.”

However, in his efforts to be a gentleman, Lawson reportedly told Shepard the differences between “racist skinheads and real ones,” why “he can still kinda be a skinhead, even though he’s from an upper-class neighborhood,” and 10 of his top fight stories over the course of their date.

“It’s fine. I dated a guy into cosplay before this. Seems like pretty much the same thing,” Shepard said, letting out a loud sigh.

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Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews. Photo by Anya Volz @AnyaVolz.

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Enough is enough.

When they came for my haircut (a slicked back undercut) I didn’t say anything. Yes, I know, it was a hitler youth haircut — whatever. It was also just a classic men’s fashion cut used around the world and it made me look good. I didn’t care if people called me Adolf Hipster or whatever, it was my haircut and I liked it.

I did notice a sharp increase in right wing fanatics rocking the same cut, particularly the alt-right. Which, honestly, wasn’t great for my brand but I just couldn’t deny it was the best cut for me, so I stuck with it.

Then, like the monsters they are, these racists came for my favorite shirt: Fred Perry.

I was still over here trying to convince the world that the original skinheads came from Jamaica and that not everyone who wears Fred Perry polos is racist when out of nowhere every extreme right wing rally is chock full of dudes in Fred Perrys. From the anti-immigration hardliners of the alt-light, all the way to the white nationalist alt-right, it looks like these guys raided my closet.

Why do they have to do this to me? Can’t they find someone else to target?

Related: The Worst Thing Nazis Ever Did Was Ruin This Haircut for Me

Then they really did me in. These racists went for the death blow: they stole my politics.

After checking out a couple hundred hours of alt-right podcasts and alt-light web shows, discussing things on Storm Front, and incessantly checking Richard Spencer’s timeline, it appears they have stolen my political views point for point.

Build the wall: check.
White genocide is real: check.
Globalists are looking to destroy my people by making cheerio commercials with interracial couples: check.
Racial differences in IQ are the reason for uneven outcomes rather than systemic obstacles: check.

Thanks to these racist asssholes I have to change my entire look. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shave my head and pick up some suspenders and a pair of Doc Martens.

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Well this isn’t good.

WWE Champion John Cena has a heart of gold, but it might just cost one sickly child his life.

Cena — well known for his dedication to the Make-a-Wish Foundation — has granted more requests from terminally ill children than any other celebrity, including granting one child’s wish of pinning him for the WWE title. This child was ecstatic, but unfortunately, must now defend the title this Sunday against Kane.

“More than anything in this world I wish there was something I could do,” WWE chairman Vince McMahon said when asked about the fate of the boy. “But as per the bylaws of the WWE, any sitting champion must defend his title when called upon by the GM, and Kurt Angle said whoever held the title had to go up against Kane on Sunday.”

“So as of right now my best course of action is to get this kid into the performance center and begin training as soon as possible,” McMahon added. “It’s clearly the most logical way to correct this mistake.”

Related: Jeffrey Dean Morgan Fulfilled My Son’s Make-A-Wish in Character and Things Got Intense

When asked if he would budge on his judgement, Angle just shouted about playing favorites for his son and left the room.

“The worst part is we did a whole thing backstage where HHH also let the boy pin him, but he doesn’t get that we were just messing around,” Cena said. “He thinks he’s on a roll and is going to walk through Kane. Not going to happen.”

On Monday Night RAW Kane appeared on the jumbo screen surrounded by darkness and red lights to make his intentions clear before the main event.

“The blood will run like the rivers of hell,” Kane said of the match, which has been made a No-Disqualification Street Fight. “Careful what you wish for Timmy, because come Sunday… the devil’s favorite demon may just appear and grant your wish.”

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The post <b>Critical Oversight:</b> John Cena Let This One Lucky Make-A-Wish Kid Pin Him for the <b>WWE</b> Title, but Now He’ll Have to Defend It This Sunday vs Kane
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In anticipation of his Feb. 5 return to Twitch, Dr. DisRespect has reportedly already begun his extremely slow rotation of his gaming chair, sources confirm.

Starting with his back to a turned-off camera, Doc’s return rotation will reportedly last three whole days, with the on-camera rotation only representing a small fraction of the total spin.

“At this speed of rotation, he will once again fully face the camera on February 5th, 2018,” astrophysicist and head of space exploration at NASA Steve Han, said. “yeayeayea”

Doc’s return is such an event online gambling sites will take bets to see if he breaks the record for most Twitch viewers ever packed into an arena.

When reached for comment Doc had a lot to say, but it was all in a Korean/Chinese hybrid language, and this reporter was unable to understand it.

Update: early indications from sources close to the situation report he may lick his comb for over three hours.

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MENLO PARK — Facebook has slowly unveiled a powerful update to their newsfeed algorithm which exclusively surfaces the most important posts a band makes: official response to sexual misconduct allegations.

“Whether it’s a flat denial, overly polished promise to do better, or whatever the fuck Pinegrove’s thing was, user data confirms that’s all people want on their newsfeeds from bands,” Zuckerberg said. “And let’s be real all the other shit about ‘some big announcement tomorrow!’ that end up being new pins is just not needed on the platform.”

Engineers at the tech giant have done considerable A/B testing, which included turning off the reach for all bands in Bulgaria (public statements and otherwise), which yielded “no discernible effect.” But in their investigations and testing, some things stood out.

“Over 90% of messages and posts in Europe are about tape trades,” Zuckerberg said. “We thought it was a glitch, so I looked into it personally and all of a sudden these euros were hitting me up for ‘original Facebook demos.’”

According to executives at Facebook, data shows more and more young people are turning to public apologies to find out about new bands — and which ones to they should burn the merch of — so decreasing the organic reach of everything else will improve the mental health of users.

“We have the hard data to prove no one gives a shit unless you are breaking up or trying to come clean about something in a way that almost no one will accept and will lead to the instant and permanent demise of any music projects you are currently involved in,” he said. “This change may reduce time people spend on Facebook, but it will make that time well spent.”

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